Brangelina Waxes Philosophical

Okay:

So I just watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

Two words:

Why in the world did it take me so long to do this?

This was the best movie I've seen in a long time. And not for the reasons you may think. At it's worst points it was horribly dry and cliched. Neither Pitt nor Jolie delivered an Oscar-worthy performance (read sarcasm). Vince Vaughn was as annoyingly unfunny as he usually is. (I wonder if they imagined on the set that Vaughn would be schtuping Jennifer Anniston within a year. Wierd.) The shootouts were ridiculous John Woo/Robert Rodriguez rip-offs and the preposterous deus ex machina ending was a real disappointment.

All in all I really enjoyed it though.

Why?

Because it was so goddamn poignant.

The premise: Two secret agents get married in an effort to disguise themselves as regular people, unbeknownst to them but knownst to us. They call that dramatic irony. When they discover one another's true identity, they spend the entire second act trying to kill each other. Then their respective agencies try to kill them because they've become "compromised". So they join forces and take on the agencies.

If that's not a metaphor for human intimacy, I don't know what is.

We pair up with people, get married and do the family thing because it's what people do. We all want to be normal at the end of the day.

But once you discover that the other person is just as abnormal as you are, you're horribly disappointed. You could just kill them for being so goddamn not perfect.

But once you turn on one another, the world turns on you too. They see your ugly little ways and they want to be rid of you. Your only chance for survival is to stick together. Accept your differences, start over with the truth and give the world the old stiff one-eye.

There's this great scene where they're in the house having an all out war. They're shooting at each other with machine guns and shotguns and throwing knives and hitting each other in the head with shit. At one point Brad knocks her down and alley whips her in the living room.

"Kick her ass, Brad!" I screamed at the television. Then they recover their guns at the same time and there's a Mexican standoff.

"Oh no," I thought.

But neither one of them can pull the trigger. But it makes them hot so they throw down their guns and screw like monkeys.

They spend the entire third act fighting the agencies and confessing to one another.

"I'm an orphan."

"I didn't really go to Yale."

"I'm Jewish."

Then Brad finally says, "We're going to have to go back and redo every conversation we've ever had."

"These two motherfuckers are on to something," I thought to myself. All relationships are like this. Built on nothing but lies. It can only work if you're willing to confess everything and start over again at zero.

We should all be like Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Let's put down our guns and screw like monkeys. It's the only way we can beat the agencies.


Thanks for reading.

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Tip of the Day: You shouldn't alley whip your lady. Even if she deserves it.