Non-Negotiables

Okay:

Someone said something to me this past week that bothered the hell out of me. She said that I was going to die alone.

I know, right.

Rude.

She said that I had too many hang ups and there was no way I was ever going to meet a woman that would put up with it. Of course, I feel like my non-negotiables are completely reasonable.

Non-Negotiables is a term I picked up from an old friend of mine. Oddly enough, her non-negotiables were ludicrous but I liked the idea anyway.

I was complaining to her about my girlfriend at the time and she just looked at me and shook her head. "Claude," she said, "you gotta let that bitch know that certain things are just non-negotiables, ya dig. Like, for example: a motherfucker gotta know, with me, I might not get home until the next day. Do it mean that I was with some other dude? Maybe. But I don't want to be harassed about it because it's already done. See what I'm sayin? Non-Negotiable. We are not going to negotiate you giving me shit about something as petty as that."

Absurd, but you all get the point, right?

So, I have made a list of my Non-Negotiables and I suggest you all do the same.

Here goes...

1) No weaves: Braids are acceptable, but weaves are totally out of the question! I have a strict no weave policy. To me, weaves are very 1997 and I like a woman who's fashion forward.

2) No smokers: I'm a recovering tobacco addict, and I don't need anyone getting me back on the wagon (or is it off the wagon?). Seriously, I cannot help myself around tobacco. The temptation would be too great. Just talking about it makes me purse my lips and inhale deeply.

3) No Jesus freaks: This is new. It's not that I don't like Jesus, it's just that I think most Jesus freaks would find me repulsive after a while. And, yes, I do think the whole Christianity thing is kind of silly, from an intellectual perspective, but I respect it. Thing is, they don't respect my non-Christian status. They think I'm gonna convert eventually. They're like the gay dudes from art school. "Oh, you'll come around eventually, honey."

4) No non-readers: If she wants me to take her seriously, she has to read avidly. I actually met a full-grown adult human woman who said to me, "I hate reading. It makes my eyes cross. I do like Eric Jerome Dickey though...and Zane."

5) No willful ignorance: It's one thing to have never heard of something before but it's another thing entirely to have an aversion to anything you have never heard of before. I have this problem a lot when trying to expose women to cool little independent films or underground hip hop. They frown up their faces and say, "You're so weird." If she says that, dates over. She doesn't know it yet, but the date is fucking over.

6) No club-hoppers: My experience with club hoppers is that they're emotionally shallow people who hate being alone because they find their own thoughts boring. Just my experience though.

7) No colored contacts: You cannot trust a woman who wears colored contacts. Period.

8) No energy vampires: You know the kind. A woman who's entire life revolves around her man, so she wants every ounce of energy she can get from him. Otherwise, she'll feel non-important. If he's not actively engaged in a money-making activity, he should be with her or talking to her. Give me space or give me death!

9) No drama queens: Women who think things that happen to them have never happened to anyone else. They want your ear, your shoulder, your pity. And if they can't get that, they want a fight. Yes, a good old fashioned screaming match will reaffirm your love for them.

And finally...

10) No sex-rationers: Some women think they're being all clever by giving sex rations in order to control the behavior of their mates. Nothing pisses me off more than someone underestimating my intelligence. First of all, I'm not that easily manipulated, and second of all, after a while, I'll go get it somewhere else eventually. Sorry, but them there's the brakes. So don't play yourself and turn your body into a commodity because that's how it will be treated.

So there. Not so unreasonable, I think. What about you?

Thanks for reading.

Factoid: Biologically speaking, a clitoris is a small undeveloped penis.