Textual Healing

Okay:

Let's have a conversation about the new "Sex-Texting" phenomenon.

I'm interested in knowing your opinion about this, so let's do our best to get a dialogue going. Talk amongst yourselves. Post a comment.

When I was in high school a girlfriend of mine introduced me to phone sex. At the time, it seemed a sensible alternative to the ever-challenging problem of finding someplace to get your issue off as a teenager. You say dirty words to one another, moan and groan a bit, everyone handles their respective business and eventually...voila!

There are, however, some inherent problems in this particular genre of non-contact erotica. For one, you kind of have to take turns. If you're both talking at the same time, no one can hear what's going on. So the guy typically goes first, talking the girl into orgasm and then she returns the favor. But one person may not necessarily be as adept with wanking words as his/her partner. Thereby, creating a sort of uneven exchange. Which certainly happens in actual intercourse, but here it's more pathetic, no? Pretending to have an orgasm over the phone is pretty close to the bottom of the potato chip bag.

Imagine this exchange...

BOY: Then what are you going to do with it?
GIRL: Oh, I'm going to be naughty and bad. I'm going to do crazy things.
BOY: Like what?
GIRL: All sorts of wild, fun stuff.
BOY: Be specific. It's easier when you're specific.
GIRL: I don't know. Why don't you try telling me what you want me to do?
BOY: Fine. (sigh) I want you to lick it up like ice cream dripping off the cone.
GIRL: That's disgusting.
BOY: You asked.
GIRL: But you know I hate that stuff. It's gross.
BOY: Fine. (sigh)
GIRL: What?
BOY: I lost it. It's gone.
GIRL: What?
BOY: My erection.
GIRL: Well, get it back up.
BOY: Yes, sir, Captain. (sigh) Jesus.
GIRL: (Laughs)
BOY: What's so funny?
GIRL: I'm watching Def Comedy Jam.
BOY: You're not supposed to be watching TV.
GIRL: Well, you said you lost your erection so now I'm watching TV.

Anyway. Perhaps that went on a bit long, but you get my drift. Phone sex is problematic at best. Still, some people swear buy it. But as e-mail gradually phased out the fax and snail-mail, so has texting replaced actual phone calls, and thereby, phone sex. Thus, "sex-texting" has arrived and it is all the rave.

Most women, I've found, are willing to say just about anything in a text message. Things they wouldn't say to your face in casual conversation or in the throes of passion. Things they wouldn't say over the phone. For some reason, texting lowers these inhibitions and they feel free to say whatever's on their minds.

Funny thing is, texting is far less private. I'm far more likely to show your little nasty message to a friend than to let him listen in on a phone-boning session. I could keep that message forever. If you ever decide to run for office, I could put it all over the Internet and let the world know what kind of freak you are. Not that I would. But I could. That's the point.

So, really, it doesn't make sense.

I've got an old friend who recently moved away. We don't talk on the phone very often anymore, but occasionally we communicate via text-message. You should see some of our exchanges. The FCC should shut us down. It is downright nasty, filthy smut talk. I love every character of it.

And, a few months ago I upgraded phones. Now I can receive and send photos. Whoa mamma! Whole 'nother level.

But Sex-Texting, or "Sexting" as I like to call it, is also problematic. It's too labor-intensive. You can't exactly get what you came for while you're doing all that typing. Unlike the easy mouse-clicking of computer porn. It's kind of like how you have to wait to leave the theater to talk about the movie.

One serious upside is that you can do it discretely just about anywhere. Last year I was sexting at a funeral. I had to wait for my erection to go down before I got in line to view the body. You can do it at meetings, parties, weddings, , seminars, family dinners, church.

It's the wave of the future. Hop on.

Thanks for reading.


GO OBAMA!

Confession: I once sexted two women at the same time. It was cool, but eventually my thumbs got sore and I just didn't have anything else left to give. Quite emasculating actually.