The Tuesday Report

Okay:

6:00. I woke up and did my morning yoga. I farted about three times. I also realized that I may be completely immune to meditation. This brain of mine never stops running no matter how hard I try.

6:20. I did some business in the bathroom. Noticed that I ran out of baby wipes and discovered that I have become quite dependent upon them. I felt really icky afterwards. I don't know how I ever considered myself clean before.

6:30. I had some private time in front of my lap top.

6:45. Took a long hot shower. I took a look at myself in the mirror and realized I have stretch marks on my ass. I know. Gross.

7:00-7:30. This half-hour is a complete blur. Not sure exactly what I did. I might have read something. I think I stared at the wall for a little while.

7:30-8:00. Drove to work. Got stuck behind a bulldozer on Missouri Avenue. Why a bulldozer was on a main thoroughfare during rush hour, I do not know. I saw a funny looking kid walking to school. He looked kind of like an old man, you know. You've seen these kids before. He had an old face, but he was obviously a kid though. It was funny. I laughed at him. Not a full-fledged happy hour laugh, but a private giggle. Like, hee-hee.

8:18-3:15. I farted around for a few hours. Took a meeting. Got a sub from Quiznos. Updated my website. I think I tried to teach somebody something, but he didn't get it or whatever so I gave him a crossword puzzle.

Oh yeah, sometime around the middle of the day I saw this kid being restrained by the Dean of Students in the lobby. He was a little guy. Probably a fifth grader. He was really pissed. Kept threatening to spit on everybody. "You're not going to spit on anyone," said the Dean.

"Oh, I'm gonna spit on somebody," said the kid. "Before the day is over, I'm gonna spit. You can believe that."

I privately admired his fortitude.

3:30-4:30. I went across the street to the bar with a few co-workers and had a drink because it was so nice outside. This was the high point of my day. I found myself wishing that going to happy hour was, like, a job that you got paid for and stuff. And, like, if you got really trashed they'd give you, like, a bonus or something.

Sat outside with Gill and Our White Homegirl for a while. Saw a kid who looked just like that "Chocolate Rain" guy. Zatonday or whatever. That spooky fucker. Looked just like him. It was wierd.

5:00-6:00. Taught my night class. Prepared for the kids for the final exam on The Bluest Eye. Got really sarcastic with this kid who never comes to class and always has a story. It was cathartic. He was a good sport. Smiled and said, "Mr. Nadir, you is crazy."

6:30-9:00. Got home. Drank a glass of scotch. Watched Scrubs. Ordered a sub. Ate the whole goddamn thing. All 12 inches of it. I promised myself I would go to the gym in the morning.

9:15. Couldn't decide what to write a blog about. Joe Gibbs quitting? The New Hampshire Caucus? None of that sounded interesting so I decided to write a blog about my entire day, which was uneventful to say the least.

Thanks for reading.


GO OBAMA!

Confession: I once slept with a girl who had a Jheri Curl...in 1994.