Today's topic is romance.
Apparently I don't know anything about it. According to a friend of mine I'm "the most unromaticest motherfucker on the planet".
She said this to me one Valentine's Day. I took her to Appleby's and asked for some car sex in the parking lot.
"Let's do it in the car," I said. "You know, for Valentine's Day."
"You're the most unromanticest motherfucker on the planet," she said.
It wasn't always this way. Once upon a time ago I was quite the Cassanova. I think it is a lack of motivation, not expertise, that has cause this change though. In fact, what passes for romance these days is a joke.
See, to me, romance is more of an organic thing. It has to come straight from the heart otherwise it's cheap and phony. True romance is spontaneous and completely honest. Sending someone flowers is cool, and I'm certainly not above it (1800FLOWERS has my credit card on file), but it's not romance. It's just something nice to do. But it's so boring.
"So," you say, "What is romantic then, Cool Cee Brown?"
I'll tell you.
Impromptu Slowdancing is romantic. Summer Evening Walks are romantic. Making Love Outside is romantic. Kissing in the Rain is romantic. Feeding Each Other is romantic.
All free activities that don't require any forethought or planning.
When I hear about people spending fortunes on vacations (which I've done) and shopping sprees (haven't done that one), it makes me want to vomit. Sometimes I do. Inside my mouth a little bit.
How corny. Somehow equating your love with how much money you spend. The bigger the ring, the more extravagant the flower arrangement, the more sophisticated the restaurant, the more exotic the vacation, the more you supposedly love this woman. And she's just gonna swoon and fall head over heels for you because of how generous you are with your resources. I say bullshit. I say her decision to be with you after showcases such as these is purely a practical decision. Every woman wants a generous man.
But if you really want a woman to fall for you, you'll give her something she can't get on her own. She can go shopping on her own, buy herself flowers, take herself on vacation, buy herself a ring. Hell, she can give herself an orgasm. But she cannot give herself romance. She'll get hooked, and you'll be her supplier.
This is what they call love.
Love is less complicated than people think it is. It is simply a supply and demand relationship between two people. Not unlike that relationship between crackhead and drug dealer. Except the product in demand is romance.
When the product in demand is money, they call it prostitution.
When the product in demand is sex, they call it fucking.
Speaking of, I did get me some car sex that night. And since then she has told me on several occasions that it was the best Valentine's Day she ever had. Not because the sex was so good, but because everything that transpired was natural and heart-felt. And therefore memorable.
Thanks for reading.
COME SEE ME LIVE!
I STILL LOVE H.E.R.: A BLACK BROADWAY VALENTINE'S DAY @ BAR NUN
Monday February 11, 2008 Bar Nun 1326 U St, NW Washington, DC
Doors open at 8. Showtime at 10. $5 Cover. 18 & Over. Get there early for the open mic.
Free CD giveaways for the ladies!
MAKE SURE TO VISIT THE BLACK BROADWAY ONLINE COMMUNITY
GO OBAMA!
Tip of the Day: If you're going to do car sex, it's actually a lot easier in the front seat.
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