Upgrade!

Okay:

Today I went to Best Buy and bought me a brand new computer. The whole ordeal took around three hours. I was helped by a short, round, unkempt member of The Geek Squad. He gave me a crash course on processors and gigabytes and whatnot. I settled on a modest HP desktop with a 5600 + Processor and 300 GB of memory. These are good and absolutely necessary things, he informed me.

My old computer, a five-year-old E-Machine laptop, is lying impotently on the floor. If it were not an inanimate object, it would be jealous.

Why do I need a new computer, you ask? Isn't that an unnecessary extravagance on a teacher's salary, Cee Brown?

Well, the truth, folks, is that I all but killed my laptop. How, you ask?

We're all grown here, right?

One word answer: PORN.

Oodles and oodles of high-quality hardcore porn.

A few years ago, a close friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, introduced me to a marvelous website where you could safely download all the porn you want for free. The site, unfortunately had to end its days of free membership and begin charging its patrons. Something about "opportunistic lurkers who don't want to contribute to the good of the community".

My close friend informed me that a "lurker" is a person who visits a site, downloads files, but does not register as a member or upload files for other members. Apparently these lurkers were causing all sorts of problems so they had to start charging for entrance.

I, apparently, was a lurker.

Fucking geeks.

But before they shut down the free show, I was able to download enough free porn to last me a lifetime. Or at least until I get married.

Unfortunately, as I understand it, these movie files take up a lot of space on your computer. I had previously been under the impression that a computer was like the universe. Vast and unlimited in its capacity. I discovered recently that this virtual universe is quite finite.

Basically, too much porn and your shit will crash.

I started getting these little messages on my desktop. "Your computer is running dangerously low on memory. You have 200 MB left. Click here to delete unnecessary files."

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I don't speak Nerd.

I am told, however, that these little warnings are not to be taken lightly.

The little dirty fat guy at The Geek Squad told me the number one problem they deal with in the repair shop is porn. People bring in their crashed CPUs and laptops and nine times out of ten they have caught a virus from downloading porn from some seedy website, or they just have too much of the stuff.

He said the craziest part about it is how many excuses people come up with as opposed to admitting that it may be porn-related.

"My son also uses this computer. (In a stage whisper) I think he may have downloaded some freaky stuff."

Or "I share this computer with my roommate and he's on there doing God-knows-what half the time."

The dead giveaway is that these people are also very concerned about losing their files. "Make sure you back everything up. I don't care what it costs".

And rightfully so. It takes some time and effort to build up a solid catalog of porn.

I'd like to think I'd have enough cohones to say, "Listen, I got some pretty good shit on here and I'm sure that's probably what's wrong with the thing. But make sure you save my shit, okay. And save a few for yourself while you're at it, Conrad. Ain't no fun if the homies can't have none. Am I right? Huh? Gimmie five!"

I've dated women who are really into porn. In fact, I once dated a woman who was just as into it as I am. She too once killed a computer with too much porn. Told me she had to keep a separate computer just for the porn.

My sister is repulsed by it and thinks its pathetic for a grown man to sit around watching it and having 'private time'.

My ex-girlfriend thought it was only good for getting in the mood or having a good laugh.

I've been over a homeboy's house, kicking it with the fellas, and he'll turn on porn expecting us to watch it with him. Which I think is kind of gay.

To me, porn is neither pathetic, nor mood-inspiring, nor funny, nor a community experience. It's good for one thing and one thing only. If people can't appreciate the usefulness of adult entertainemt then to hell with them.

Of course, there were other reasons I felt the need to make the upgrade. Goddamn laptop was 50 pounds. Two inches thick. You can't go to the coffee shop with that thing. Everybody's in there with their cute little MacBooks and what have you. They look at you like you're a retard or something. Very un-chic to have an outdated computer these days.

Plus, with this thing I can burn my files onto a DVD and watch them on the big screen.

Now that's a Good Morning for your young ass!

Thanks for reading.


GO OBAMA!

Tip of the Day: Don't ask me how I know this, but it's not a good idea to put cologne on your junk. It's a terrible, awful idea. It may be the worst idea of all time.