Cool Cee Brown Meets His Match!

Okay:

So I had me a date the other day. I've known this girl for a while now, and, yes, we have slept together before, but we're not sleeping together now.

She's just a friend. Really.

Anyways. I've known her for, like, 10 years. But as I sat across from her at the Ruby Tuesdays' the other night, I noticed something. I actually don't really mind spending time with this girl. Granted, I don't think we've been around each other longer than 3 hours since college, but she's still decent company.

So I put myself out on a limb.

Why is this the subject of today's blog? Well, I have realized that the longer I am single, the more finesse I lose. I am essentially finesse-less. I've got no game. All I have is my candor.

Some women appreciate candor though.

If we can use basketball as a metaphor, I'm more of your traditional white two-guard now...nothing fancy, just put the damn ball in the hoop. Once upon a time, believe it or not, I was more like a modern black power forward. I had moves that wowed and dazzled. I could charm the pants off a nun. Now, it seems I have a hard time mustering up the energy to exert the effort it would take for me to charm anyone.

For example, when I came to pick her up, she was still in her bra and panties. Which is not altogether abnormal considering how long I've known her and the fact that we have slept together. Accordingly, my response to seeing her almost naked was nothing that could be considered smooth.

ME: Can I get some?
HER: No.
ME: All right. Put some clothes on then. You're teasing me.

I know, right. Suave.

But back to what I was trying to tell you in the first place. We're having a few drinks at this chain restaurant, the Cowboys are losing to New York (thank you, Lord) and I am struck by an epiphany while filled with the good spirit of vindication. The conversation goes as follows...

ME: Why don't we try and hook something up here?
HER: You mean, like, you and me?
ME: Yeah. We've never given it a serious shot in all these years.
HER: Yeah, you're right but I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship.
ME: Hey, it's not like we're all close or something. We only see each other every few months. What do we have to lose?
HER: True. But I don't know if I'm ready to have someone around me all the time.
ME: I wouldn't want to be around you all the time. Once a week is fine with me.
HER: Well, I'd need to see you at least twice. Probably Thursdays and Sundays.
ME: Thursdays and Sundays are good for me usually.
HER: I like to go to bed early though, and I don't like it when people sleep over.
ME: Wow, I never knew that about you. I also hate it when people sleep over. It's so presumptuous.
HER: Yeah, I need space when I sleep.
ME: Wow, me too. It's hard for me to get comfortable with someone else in the bed.
HER: I don't know how people do it.
ME: And I need to have sex when I see you.
HER: Oh, definitely. Otherwise, what's the point? Might as well be single for all that.
ME: Hell yeah. (long pause) And I don't introduce people to my daughter.
HER: I don't want to meet your child.
ME: Perfect. I think this is going to work out just fine.

See, here my candor works. We cut to the chase and discussed the kinds of things that cause people problems later on. I think I may have stumbled upon something brilliant. You can use this technique if you chose.

And I am very optimistic about the future. I've finally met someone just as neurotic as me. But, see, the unique thing about my neuroses is I'm very laid back about them. And so is she. Of course, I was supposed to call her last night but I got caught up in a few things and then I didn't feel like it when I finished. So, I'm kind of off to a rocky start but I doubt she'll care. See? Perfect for me. Very low expectations and completely self-contained. And she meets almost all my non-negotiables, except she doesn't read much and she goes to church every Sunday.

We'll see how this unfolds. I've kind of got an ADHD thing when it comes to women. In fact, I met me a cutie last night. Real fine little sister with a fresh college degree. Got her number, gave her my card. Very excited about this one too. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for reading.

GO OBAMA!

Factoid: Apparently, you can cure Athlete's Foot by pissing on your feet in the shower.