Big Thangs Poppin'

Okay:

It's five in the morning and I am watching the funniest infomercial of all time.

Yes, I am talking about ExtenZe, the natural male enhancement pill.

They've got this spunky little blond walking around with a camera and a microphone stopping "random strangers" on the street and asking them about ExtenZe. She finds these middle-aged, good-looking couples and asks the man whether or not he's satisfied with the product. The answer varies.

"I got bigger."

"It got bigger."

"It's bigger now."

and "What do you want me to tell you? Things become bigger."

They've even got a doctor on the show testifying to the scientific veracity of the research behind the product. He's a sober-looking man in a bland suit. He uses big impressive words and throws some statistics around. "There has been decades of research and science. I don't want to bore you with all the specifics. The bottom line is ExtenZe works. Only eight percent of married couples have sex more than three times a week and having a bigger dick helps."

Well maybe he didn't say that last part but he might as well have.

The funniest part is the super clean LL Bean looking white couple sitting at their kitchen table. The man is perusing the ExtenZe brochure.

WIFE: What are you looking at, honey?
HUSBAND: I ordered a male enhancement product.
WIFE: What? To make, like, your muscles bigger?
HUSBAND: No, male en-hance-ment.
WIFE: What kind of male enhancement?
[Husband shows her the brochure]
WIFE: Wow! That is male enhancement.

Then there's the panel of hot chicks testifying that size does indeed matter. One says that she once broke up with the perfect man because his penis was too small. Another one says that her boyfriend is currently taking the product and she needs to hurry up and finish the show so she get back home. His dick, apparently, is calling her.

"Can a man be too large?" asks the moderator.

They all answer, practically in unison, "Hell no."

They even offer a free giveaway. A week's worth of ExtenZe, they say, for the price of a postage stamp. "Could we afford to do this if ExtenZe didn't really work?"

Although I was thoroughly entertained and was happy to find myself laughing out loud at 5 AM, I was also saddened by the creepiness of it all. Some poor bastard who falls asleep with the television on is going to wake up to this. He watches enough porn to know that he has a small pecker, and this infomercial is only going to reinforce the notion the no woman could ever be totally satisfied with him.

It's almost as bad as that diet pill commercial with the 3D diagram of an overweight woman and the snooty actress telling everyone at home that body fat is "unattractive". Then she goes on to say that diet and exercise are not necessary. All you have to do it take this pill.

There's a pill for everything now.

If you've got a problem, there's a pill for it.

I've considered, for a long time, getting a prescription for my Adult ADHD. Only you have to go and talk to a shrink for a while in order to get the pills. And because I have Adult ADHD, that just seems like too much hassle.

No surprise perhaps. There were no black men on this commercial. Well, one actually. But he was clearly gay.

People in the Washington area may have seen this hilarious hospital commercial. An old white woman is sitting at the bedside of her hospitalized old white husband. He's just gotten out of surgery. She peeks under his hospital down. "It's so small," she says.

"Hey," he says, looking at her through confused, tired eyes.

"I was talking about the incision," she smiles.

Ladies, I won't ask you if size matters because I know it does. It's fair enough. I like big tits and fat asses. My question is whether or not you would support your man using a male enhancement product if he were deficient in that area?

I'm not asking for me. A friend of mine is thinking about it.


Thanks for reading.

GO OBAMA!

Confession: I know the exact length of my penis flaccid and fully erect.

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