Why I Am Single

Okay:

This is me dating. And why it typically doesn't work.

So I went out last night to hear a friend sing. There were women everywhere. And I do mean, everywhere. I had a little trouble focusing. You ever been to one of those restaurants where they have the dessert display cases? All those cakes, pies and tarts laid out like brand new, shiny cars. It was like that.

The first woman I noticed was this tall, slender, chocolate thang with this ridiculous booty. She had on this summer dress that was clinging to her curves like plastic wrap on a wet plum. I couldn't stop staring at her.

But she was sitting next to a woman who may have been a lesbian and there was a distinct possibility that they may have been together. She was just too fine to be alone. It gave me pause. What do you say in a situation like that?

"Excuse me, do you go for the pickle or the pancake?" or

"Pardon me, is that yo' chick?" or

"L'chaim! You need some kosher sausage to go with these latkas?"

Anyway, she managed to slink out after the show. I never got a chance to really feel things out. I know, right? DAMN.

Then there was this other sister. A cute little chocolate number with a pretty smile. I ran into her almost a year ago at a show. I got her phone number but never called her and, for the life of me, I could not remember her name. We exchanged pleasantries, hugs, and got into some small talk. She asked me how teaching was going and asked what I had planned for the summer. I told her I planned to teach summer school and then she sprung it on me.

"I was just asking," she said, "because my church is having a summer camp and we need some counselors."

"That's nice," I said as I walked away. "You take it easy, sister."

Another Jesus Freak. Where do these women come from? Last thing I need is someone else in my phone book who thinks I should go to hell.

So then, as we were leaving, I found myself walking behind this spunky little caramel hottie with a big smile. I struck up some convo, and was pretty close to sealing the deal when her boyfriend jumped out from behind the bushes or some shit. He came out of nowhere. A little short Latin fucker who swore he knew me from high school. He was all drunk, sweaty and smiling with his arm around me. "Motherfucker, you don't remember me?"

I wanted to punch him in his shit, but I was too busy being amused/shocked that this was his girlfriend. "Is this your girlfriend?" I asked.

"Yes," he said, eyes crossing a bit, leaning on her shoulder.

"Really?" I said. Then I had to walk away because I thought I might throw up in my mouth a little.

So me and the posse made our way down to another spot. There I saw another sexy little chocolate mami with big, dancing eyes. We were talking and laughing and having a good time and I was just about to get her number when people started pouring out of the bar. I was shaking hands and hugging and kissing cheeks. It seemed like I knew everybody who came out of that door. Then an old friend of mine, a free-spirited artist chick, came out and we exchanged numbers. When I looked up though, my little shorty was gone.

The night was a bust. I struck out, like, four times.

If I had it all to do over, I would have approached the lesbo chick with the amazing ass. I woke up this morning thinking about her booty. No shit. When I opened my eyes, the first thought that popped into my brain was those two shrink-wrapped boiled eggs she was working with.

I almost had that last one though. I guess that's why I'm single. Goddamn ADHD.


Thanks for reading.

GOBAMA!

LISTEN TO MY MUSIC AND WATCH VIDEOS AT
http://blackbroadway-online.com

Innocent Question: Is it rude to ask two women who you think may be lesbos if they're together? I mean just because they're lesbos doesn't mean they're together. But, on the other hand, they may be offended by the question if they're not lesbos. Shit's tricky.