Looking For Love At The Gentleman's Club

Okay:

Men are dumb.

Men are dumb because we do all sorts of dumb shit. Like paying for sex. And the only thing dumber than paying for sex is paying to watch women take their clothes off. Now, I have never paid for sex--at least not directly--but I have shoved many a dollar into the g-string of a stripper.

What's funny is most men would vehemently deny ever having gone to a prostitute, but see nothing wrong with spending fifty bucks at a strip club with no promise of ejaculating. Seems like one makes more sense than the other.

I first visited a strip club while I was in college in North Carolina. It was a hole in the wall that was robbed by three armed gunmen just days later. I ended up there because my homeboy was the bouncer and I had given him a ride to work. The Durham strip clubs, I would later learn, were unique in their pared-down raunchiness. There were literally no rules, except you were not allowed to have actual intercourse on the dance floor.

I won't disgust you with the details, but I will say that those young ladies worked really hard for five dollars. Really hard. And there wasn't a whole lot of dancing going on. The shit those guys were pulling would get you bounced out of a typical strip club on your ass. But this was Durham.

The trade off? None of those girls were Jet Beauty of the Week material. Most of them were grossly over weight and poorly groomed. I have since learned that there is a whole 'nother class of stripper. Ones who get their hair done or wear really nice wigs, eat well, work out regularly, wear custom-made outfits and use professional make up artists. And some of them are really talented dancers!

But these Durham girls.

They were just nasty. Of course, now I realize, ten years later, that it was probably just a big prostitution front. The "dancing" was just, like, an appetizer.

I got my first real dose of a strip club at a bachelor party in Charlotte a few years later. There were no shortage of rules at this place. We almost didn't get in because one of us had on boots or something. Posted on the wall when you walked in, big as day, was a sign that read: DO NOT TOUCH THE DANCERS.

I was flabbergasted.

What are you supposed to do with them then? I thought. Just watch them dance?

Then I noticed something equally disturbing. The strippers all had on bottoms. Don't get me wrong. I love tits just as much as the next man, but this isn't 1988. I need to see the good stuff to get excited.

I had a good time and all, but I couldn't help missing my little hole in the wall back in Durham. This place was so clean and sterile. They were all missing the point. A topless strip club is like a joke with no punchline.

Then I saw her.

A ridiculously voluptuous midget.

This woman was incredible. Were she not just a mere 4'8", she could have been a world famous rap video hoochie. At any rate, I got my punchline when I saw her give a lap dance to 6'8" bruiser on the outskirts of the dance floor. Her feet didn't touch the floor the whole time. She just kind of wiggled around in his lap.

The lap dances in this place: $20

The look on her face when she tried to turn around for a reverse cowgirl and almost fell off his lap: PRICELESS!


Thanks for reading.

GOBAMA!

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Factoid: There is a tops-and-bottoms-on, no-lap dancing, no-touching strip club in DC. Totally fucking pointless!!!!