Helping A Friend In Need

Okay:

Just the other day I ran into this guy I know whom I've long suspected to be gay. There's just something about him. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm no homophobe. I just don't really have a lot of respect for closet fags.

It's not like it's the fifties or something. And this is a super-liberal town. If he came out of the closet, no one would so much as bat an eye. I think it's kind of immature to hide your gayness. You don't have to start wearing makeup and taking hormone pills, but don't try to hide what's obvious. It insults everyone's intelligence.

We're both big Erykah Badu fans so we were discussing the sheer genius of her latest release New Amerykah. Then he adds that she debuted at number two on the R&B charts, second to Janet Jackson.

"Is she still making records?" I asked. "I thought she'd given up after that last fiasco."

"Hold on," he said rather seriously. "Don't you be talking about Janet. I love me some Janet."

Well, if I wasn't sure before, he certainly cleared it up right then. I went to art school, so I know that there are three highly revered women in the black gay community. Saying something against any one of these women will immediately ruffle the feathers of any brown peter-puffer.

Janet Jackson. Madonna. Mariah Carey.

I might as well have told a Catholic that Virgin Mary was a whore.

So I decided to have some fun with him. "Oh, I love Janet Jackson, too."

"She's bad, man," he said, smiling.

"And she got that fat booty, right?"

"Yeah," he said, looking slightly uncomfortable.

"She be doing all them freaky dance moves and singing about all that freaky shit and it make you just wanna bend her over and bang that shit out one time and give her something new to sing about, right?"

"Yeah," he said, drawing away from me as if I were talking about child porn.

"The little motherfucker Jermaine Dupri ain't hittin' that shit right. She need to get some of this Mandingo Black African Swahili shit I got going on over here. I got the goddamn velvet rope right here, knowhutumsayin?"

"Yeah, man," he said flatly, "Bang that shit out."

"Remember when her titty popped out at the Superbowl and Justin ain't wanna claim that titty? Sheeeeeeit! I woulda claimed that titty."

I let up after I was satisfied that he was sufficiently uncomfortable. My hope is that I was able to help the brother. See? I do have a heart.


Thanks for reading.

GOBAMA!

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Factoid: Did you know that Sherman "George Jefferson" Hemsley, James "Phillip Banks" Avery and Reginald "Carl Winslow" VelJohnson are all flaming queens? Now go back and watch a rerun of any one of those shows and see if it's not hysterically obvious.