The Impossible Dreams

Okay:

I once went to a professional development seminar about positive behavior facilitation. We were asked to make a list of ten things we wanted to do before we died.

I get really excited about activities like this. Not sure why. I finished my list rather quickly and when I read it off to the group, I was surprised to hear laughter. Hysteric laughter.

I offer you my list, for your reading pleasure. Maybe it will make you laugh.

1. Sky Dive: I have an obsession with the act of jumping out of a plane. To me it is the epitome of fearlessness. I also imagine that if you are on a date with a woman and she's still trying to figure out whether or not she's going to sleep with you then you tell her that you've jumped out of a plane before, it could easily get you over that hump (no pun intended) of indecisiveness. Women dig studs.

2. Take a Shit in The White House: I don't know if they have public restrooms in The White House. I haven't been since I was in elementary school. But if they do, I don't think I could die peacefully knowing that I never blessed their bowl.

3. Appear on Bill Maher: I'd love to trade witty barbs with my middle-aged white counter-part. I hear he's into promiscuous black women, which means we have something in common. We could hang out together after the show and play wingman for each other.

4. Sleep with Janet Jacme: I'm sure it's not so safe, so it'd probably be one of the last things I do. But this woman got me through some really rough times, and I'd love to have the opportunity to show her how much she means to me.

5. Get a Doctorate: I just like the way Dr. Nadir sounds. I'm hoping one day I'll accomplish enough so that someone will give me an honorary doctorate, Cosby-style. I don't really want to go through all that schooling and what have you.

6. Become a Black Belt: I've got a mean right hook but not much skill. It'd be cool to know you could kick everyone in the room's ass if you wanted to. I wouldn't talk no shit or anything. I'd play it real cool until someone tried me. Then I'd calmly bust his shit open and return to my glass of scotch. Can't you see it? I can.

7. Win an Oscar: I can't act, but I'd like to somehow win one day. For Best Lighting or Sound Editing or Silent Foreign-Language Animated Short Film, I don't really give a shit. I just want me one of them statues. And I want to wear a deep purple paisley velvet tuxedo and do the whole red carpet thing, play coy with the paparazzi and whatnot. You know the drill.

8. Sleep with Sade: I don't know if I really need to explain this one.

9. Sell a Million Records: I've never even sold enough records to cover my manufacturing costs. I feel like the universe owes me this one. (If you'd like to help you can buy my latest album Magnificent Bastard in my SnoCap box or at iTunes for $9.99).

10. Write a Book: This is something I've been wanting to do for years, but because of my ADHD, it has always alluded me. It would be a collection of autobiographical sketches and I would call it, You Can't Win.

Well, I hope you had fun laughing at my dreams.


Thanks for reading.

GOBAMA!

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Confession: I have taken a shit in all three Congressional buildings.