Father Knows Best

Okay:

I was taking my daughter out of the tub the other day when somehow the topic of basketball came up. "Do you want to play basketball?" I asked her.

"No," she said flatly.

"'Cause you know," I said, "Girls can play basketball if they want to. It's not just a boy thing. Girls can do whatever they want to do."

"Well," she said, rather quickly, "Can they play basketball with a dead ferret?"

"No," I said, confused, "They can't play basketball with a dead ferret."

"Well then they can't do whatever they want to do, now can they?"


I took my daughter to see Horton Hears a Who on Saturday. We ended up an hour early for the movie so I decided to kill time in, you guessed it, Target. After spending nearly one hundred dollars in Target on things I didn't know I needed, my daughter and I were suddenly struck with hunger pangs. With only minutes left before the movie now, I made a quick decision to get two soft pretzels from Aunt Annie's. We snuck the pretzels into the theatre under her coat. Although she pleaded ad nauseum, "Daddy, I'm hungry", I insisted that we wait until the previews began before we started eating.

When the previews began, I handed her her pretzel and began tearing away at mine.

"Daddy," she said, slowly and seriously, "Slow down. Don't eat your whole pretzel before the movie starts because then you won't have anything to eat during the movie."

I was almost upset by her precociousness, but I was too busy stuffing my face. I have had, for as long as I can remember, a very bad habit of eating quickly. I take huge bites and barely chew my food before I swallow. It's as if I were a homeless urchin taken in by a benevolent Mormon family with more chicken and biscuits than they know what to do with.

Predictably, when the movie began, my pretzel was all gone.

"Daddy," she said, "Did you eat your whole pretzel?"

I looked at her, pitifully, with a mouth full of delicious, buttery, salty dough and nodded yes.

She seemed annoyed. "I told you not to do that. Here, take some of mine." She handed me half of her pretzel.



One day my daughter walked in the room while I was typing on my laptop. I didn't acknowledge her presence. I just continued typing. I imagined that she might be bored or hungry or both, and figured if I ignored her she would eventually discover something more entertaining, like the television or her nostril.

She walked over to me and peered over my shoulder curiously.

She didn't say a word.

Then she walked around and stood in front of me, her eyes wide and bright like Christmas morning. "Daddy," she said, barely able to contain her excitement. She pointed at my laptop. "What would you do if I peed on that?"


My daughter is proof positive of evolutionary theory. She's already ten times smarter than her old man.


Thanks for reading.

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