I Figured Women Out

Okay:

Yes, I have figured women out! But first, a trip around the mulberry bush.

So, yesterday I ended up over my mother's house for a few hours. She's got DirectTV and consequently this neat little invention called On Demand. I just got basic cable myself when I moved into my new apartment in November. Before then, I hadn't had cable since 1999.

I guess I feel like if I have too many television options, it will cut down on my productivity. I'll turn into some couch potato who always has to get home to watch his favorite program. How pathetic. But they've made some significant progress with cable, and On Demand is proof-positive of this phenomenon. With On Demand, you can watch whatever you want, whenever you want, and you can pause, rewind and fast-forward. It's like having a DVD library in your television.

Predictably, I did not want to see most of the stuff on the menu. That is until I ran across that rare gym of cinematic genius, Last Tango in Paris.

Just a brief history, in case you've never heard of it or seen it:

Last Tango in Paris is a 1973 film directed by Italian Bernardo Bertolucci, which tells the story of an American widower who is drawn into a sexual relationship with a young, soon-to-be-married Parisian woman. It stars Marlon Brando, Maria Schneider and Jean-Pierre Léaud. The film was given an X rating by the MPAA upon initial release. After revisions were made to the MPAA ratings code, it was classified as an NC-17, in 1997. MGM released an R-rated cut in 1981.

(www.wikipedia.org)

I know, right? Shit is HOT! I mean, freaky deaky.

Long story short, Brando and this chick meet regularly to screw like monkeys in this dirty little bare apartment in Paris. The condition is that they do not reveal their names or talk about their lives outside of the apartment. Complete anonymity. Unbridled passion.

Predictably, the woman has a difficult time living up to her end of the bargain. Brando constantly has to remind her of the rules of their engagement and she continuously hints at wanting more. She, ostensibly, falls in love with him. He remains obtuse.

Then, the tables are suddenly turned. He approaches her outside of the apartment. He tells her his name and his entire, boring, pathetic life story then professes his love for her. She is repulsed.

I don't want to ruin the movie for you any more than I already have, in case I've sufficiently piqued your interest. But, put it this way, the director is Italian.

My point is this: women are like this young Parisian girl. They want a man to be tough, in control. They want drama, mystery, passion. Pleasure and pain. They want it all. But once you take off the Superman outfit, and reveal yourself...it's a disappointment.

And, of course, it occurs to me that this is more of a people thing than a woman thing. I'll give you that. But I view all things from the penis perspective so you'll have to humor me.

But, like I was saying, this is why relationships don't work out. Unrealistic expectations. Women are looking for Denzel Washington. Men are looking for Heather Hunter with social graces. Sex is the ultimate distraction. When schtuping, and truly enjoying yourself, you are vulnerable to all kinds of self-delusion.

But we're just animals. Highly evolved animals, but animals nonetheless. And perhaps we give ourselves too much credit. Maybe more of what we do is instinctual than we want to believe. Maybe God is happiest with us when we're doing what we do best: fucking. When he looks down and sees us moving, sensually, in cooperation with one another, truly enjoying ourselves, he smiles. He likes it. Simple.

Then, we, because we're so goddamn evolved, add a bunch of other more shit to it and try to make it fancy. We get married, shack up, separate, divorce, have 'open' relationships. It's all dumb. The only thing that's true and real is the penis and the vagina. The rest is just for pretty.

At least that's my theory.

The secret is, women know this. They all know that relationships are bullshit. A dirty little bare apartment. But they love to decorate.


Thanks for reading.

GOBAMA!

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