Unmarried With Children

Okay:

So, it's the new thing now. Everybody's running around here popping out babies with no spouse in the house. It's not the same as teenage pregnancy, where the likelihood of a shotgun wedding at a distraught father's behest is becoming increasingly less likely. I'm talking about grown folk with mortgages, car notes and decent health benefits, having children out of wedlock...on purpose.

Well.

To be fair, I think it's generally the woman's idea. I have heard a few of my homegirls say, "Married or not, when I'm thirty I'm having a baby."

No shit. I've heard variants of this statement from women who don't even know each other. So it's not like they're sitting around creating a consensus. Smart women. Dumb women. Fat. Tall. Ugly. Pretty. Most women I know feel like it's their civic duty to procreate. What a crock of shit!

I was raised by two very strong, extremely intelligent women. So, when I say things that could be interpreted as sexist in this here blog of mine, I try to imagine whether or not either of them would be offended. If I think they would be, I tone it down or I don't say it all. But this right here is the gospel. It is dumb to insist on having a child simply because you can.

Dumb.

So, you say, "Claude, didn't you have a child out of wedlock?"

Yes. And my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. And it's no accident that I never write about the circumstances under which she came into this world. That little piece of my life and hers will remain private. But suffice it to say, my biological clock was NOT ticking.

My theory is that women want babies, not children. Babies are cute and cuddly. Babies are warm and fuzzy. Babies will love you unconditionally. Babies smile when you walk in the room and cry when you leave. They're like puppies with no legs.

Listen to the way they talk when other women bring their babies around.

"Oh, he's so cute. I want a baby."

See? It may be an issue of semantics, but I think there's something to it. They never say that when some woman has to bring her attitudinal 12 year old to the hair salon. They don't say, "Oh, he's so cute. I want a hormonal pre-teen who's going through an I-only-shower-twice-a-week phase. Can I hold him?"

And then there's the men.

Yes, I have heard of a few men who desperately want to have children before they reach middle age, married or not. But the difference is that men generally do say they want to have "children." I don't think I've ever heard a man say that he wants a "baby."

When Johnny has to bring his baby to the cookout in one of those gay ass blue chest harnesses, the fellas don't all go, "Oh, he's so cute." They go, "Damn, bruh. Looks like you got caught out there. Got good to you and you didn't wanna pull out, huh?"

I must admit, however. I am slightly envious of my homeboys with sons. Just slightly. Not enough to go out and procreate. I can just visit them.

And so the women say, "Y'all don't be saying that when we having sex. But when we get pregnant, all of a sudden y'all don't want no children. Don't y'all know that's what sex is for?"

No, we don't.

And it's not like you all sit us down beforehand and tell us how bad you want children. I've never had a woman say to me before sex, "I thought that you should know that if a child is conceived during this sex act, I will carry the child to term and expect you to enthusiastically handle your role as father. I know that it would dramatically change your life and force you to make sacrifices you can't even imagine right now, so I felt it only courteous to make my position clear before you put your penis in my vagina."

And then I'd say, "Thanks but no thanks."

And she'd say, "That's cool. Well could you put on your clothes then. I'm gonna call someone who's ready to seed me."

And I'd say, "Cool beans. I'm gonna call someone who just wants to bust a nut."


Thanks for reading.

GOBAMA!

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Confession: If a sane, reasonably attractive, intelligent woman was to become pregnant with my child and I had anything resembling tender feelings for her, I would consider proposing. Call me old-fashioned.