8 Things I Would Change About Me

Okay:

I'm totally against plastic surgery, for the record. But if I were somehow made to get plastic surgery, here's a list of imperfections I would have corrected.

1. My Nose: It's a little on the swole side. I wouldn't mind so much except I read somewhere that a man's ears and nose keep growing until he dies. My Uncle Beau had a really big honker. It was ridiculous. Bumpy too. If that's what I have to look forward to then I may actually consider this if money permits. I don't need some cute little button. I just need, like, to get the bitch under control. I can already fit my thumb up there and I'm not even thirty yet.

2. My Height: I read somewhere that Michael Jackson had his shins elongated. I'm not sure if it's true, but, if it is, this is another procedure I'd consider. I'm about five foot six. Give or take. But I feel taller, y'know. I feel like I should be at least five-ten. People are always surprised to find out how short I am. I think it was some kind of mistake. Whenever I find myself standing next to someone who's a lot taller than me, I'm always thinking, "I could kill you with a karate chop to the adam's apple."

3. My Penis: Don't get me wrong. I think it's impressive. But in a perfect world, there are some things I would like to alter. I'd like more girth for one thing. It's not skinny, but it could be thicker. I'd like to have some of that baby arm action going, y'know. And I'd like my curve straightened. I just think it looks funny, kinda like a coat hook.

4. Hair Plugs: The baby face thing would be cool if it meant that people thought I was younger than I actually am. But most people think I'm somewhere in my mid-thirties, which used to be a compliment when I was a teenager. Now I think it's just the hard-living catching up with me.

The other day a kid said to me, "Nadir, you gotta be at least thirty."

And I was like, "I'm only 28."

And he was like, "Well, you're old enough to be thirty."

I'd like a beard though. Not a big bushy, non-profit director beard. Something classy yet rugged. They could take some of my leg hair and use that.

5. Ab-Etching: I've decided that I'm just too lazy to get rid of this gut of mine. I heard LL Cool J and Brad Pitt had it done. All I know is that the chicks really go for six packs. I'd walk around absent-mindedly lifting my shirt. Not showing off or anything. Just kind of scratching stuff. And if some lucky lady sneaks a peak, it's on her, y'know.

6. My Toe Nails: I'd like to have them all removed and replaced with new ones. I don't know if they can do that yet, but as soon as they figure out how, I'm on it.

7. My Shoulders: They're a little of the soft side. I'd like to get, like, a shelf thing going on. Like, built-in shoulder pads.

8. My Head: I'm pretty sure they don't know how to do this yet, but I want to get on the waiting list if there is one. See, I'd like to have a couple inches shaved off the circumference of my head. My head is abnormally large. I am blessed in that it is well-shaped, so it's not very noticeable. Most people with heads as big as mine have these misshapen cranium domes, but mine is nice, round and symmetrical. But it's huge. I wear the largest size in any fitted hat. I'd just like a smaller, peanut-type deal.

And that's about all, I think. I'll let you know if I can think of anything else.

If you're not shy, post something about yourself that you would have altered.


Thanks for reading.

GOBAMA!

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Confession: I'm quite satisfied with my arms. I think that for my build they're about as good as it gets.