Tomorrow will be the last day of a very, very, very long first week of school. This weekend my mother is coming back from a two-week trip to Africa and hopefully she'll be willing to take my daughter for a few days after she recovers from jet lag. Monday is a holiday. I need a break desperately. I've been ripping and running all summer. No vacation.
Who else has had a rough few months?
Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan: I always assumed that the best thing to be in America is a young, thin, wealthy, good-looking white woman. Following the trials and tribulations of each of these women, however, has shown me that things aren't always what they seem. While many of us may look at them and see spoiled little rich girls with too much time on their hands, I see tortured souls who yearn for some sense of normalcy. How would you feel if every time you went to the bathroom to vomit your lunch, you had to check the stall next to you for paparazzi? I know when I vomit my lunch (or decide not to wear underwear), I take pleasure in knowing that it is a private moment between me and the toilet bowl.
Michael Vick: Now if professional football players have to be subject to the same senseless rules and regulations as the rest of us, I'm not sure if I still want to play for the NFL. It's been a lifelong dream of mine, but now I'm having second thoughts. I mean, what's the point of being a professional athlete if you're not above the law? I know, I know. What about the millions of dollars in salaries, signing bonuses and endorsement deals? But those are just the basics. What about the perks? I get perks at my job. Free coffee and bottled water. Discount parking. Sometimes there are donuts. Football players deserve something comparable: groupies, diplomatic immunity, etc, etc.
Alberto Gonzales: I've made it a general rule of mine to never feel sorry for Republicans, regardless of the circumstances. It just doesn't make sense somehow.
John McCain: I've made a special exception for this guy, and him only. I like him and he's a P.O.W., so he gets a pass. His presidential campaign has been a horrible train wreck though. It's like watching a cat cough up a fur ball. It looks so painful, but you can't turn away. You have to see how it ends. You just have to see what comes out of this. I think, sad as it is, that he's just too ugly to be president. He looks like a burn victim with a really good plastic surgeon. Nobody wants to have to see that mug on the news everyday for the next four years.
China: What? China's been manufacturing sub-standard goods with cheap (and sometimes toxic) materials to cut back on production costs? GET OUT! Are you serious? Well, if we can't trust the Chinese then who can we trust? I mean the sweatshops, slavery, prostitution, child labor and general governmental tyranny is one thing, but lead paint in toys? Those commie sons-of-bitches! I guess we'll have to get all our produce from Iraq now.
Jalal Talabani: The quintessential whipping boy. He should come to the Capitol, bend over and pull his pants down on the House Floor and let the Democrats take turns kicking him in the ass and calling him names. Of course, they would foot the medical bill because the benevolent Dems believe getting sick or hurt (or falling into crack cocaine addiction and having children out of wedlock) should be free.
Larry Craig: Am I the only who is just not shocked by this sort of thing anymore? At this point, I think it's fairly safe to assume that all conservative Republicans are closet (or airport bathroom stall) homosexuals.
Owen Wilson: Is he cool enough to commit suicide? Don't you kind of have to be in vogue like Kurt Cobain or Chris Benoit?
Juanita Bynum: Why didn't Jesus tell her to duck?
All things considered, I guess I shouldn't feel sorry for myself what with all this pain in the world. I could be a lot worse off.
Thanks for reading.
Tip of the day: Men, never handle jalapenos then use the bathroom without washing your hands first. Bad things will happen. Sayonara!
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