So, those of us who are single are fairly familiar with this phenomenon. Those of us who are not may shake our heads in collective dismay at this startling reality.
Herpes is really, really, really common.
Why am I writing about this? I was with a friend of mine yesterday. This friend of mine is an adult film enthusiast. According to him, one of his favorite starlets announced recently that not only does she have a scorching case of herpes, but that ninety-some-odd percent of the adult film industry is infected.
He was expecting my jaw to drop. He was expecting me to be in shock. Instead I shrugged my shoulders and offered an apathetic, "hmpf."
In disbelief he barked, "Did you hear what I said?"
"Yeah," I said. "And?"
"Are you serious?"
"Are you serious? These people have unprotected sex for a living. It stands to reason that they probably also have a lot of unprotected sex off-camera. Do you have any idea how common herpes is?"
In spite of all of those Valtrex commercials with happy people on swings in grassy meadows, giving testimonials with their uninfected lovers, he still was unaware of the epidemic that is a reality for single people. See, he has been dating the same woman for 15 years. The subject, luckily, has never come up. I have been single for most of my adult life and have come to accept the fact that lots of innocent, clean-looking people have The Bumps. I have been lucky enough to remain bump-free, but some of my friends have not been so lucky.
I learned this valuable lesson in college. I once dated a woman for a few weeks who, to her credit, told me about her condition before we slept together. Subsequently, we never slept together, but she is to commended for her forthrightness. Which brings up another interesting point.
The people I know who are infected, for the most part, continue to have casual (and sometimes unprotected) sex without letting their partners in on their little secret. Unless you're prepared to hang up your spurs on account of what amounts to a minor, rarely seen, and eventually forgettable inconvenience, what are you supposed to do? Tell every casual acquaintance about your condition? You might as well put an ad in the paper.
The flipside of that is slightly curiouser. The one friend I have who has all but quit the casual scene is always faced with the anxiety of when to tell that special someone, and how that special someone will react after being told. Surprisingly, never has anyone (and I do mean anyone) said, "It was nice getting to know you, but I don't think I can handle that."
This, I imagine, is how it spreads. But, really, what are these people to do? Join a convent or a herpes anonymous group and mate with other bumpers and make super bumps that are resilient to to the various pills, salves and ointments on the market? That might make my friend feel safe, but the reality of being single and "hooking up" in today's post-sexual revolution society is a bit darker than that.
So, for the record, I do not have The Bumps. Not that anything is wrong with that. It would be a disservice to those friends of mine to make it seem dirty when that simply isn't the case. But I guess it's like defending gay rights initiatives. The curious and simple-minded will always pose the question. These are the same people who read InTouch Weekly and watch reality television.
My friend, on the other hand, is distraught and is contemplating cleaning out his hard drive. I tried to explain to him that herpes is not that contagious, but, like I said, he's distraught.
Thanks for reading.
Correction: In my last blog, I mistakenly and ignorantly listed Jalal Talabani as the president of Iraq when I was in fact referring to Nouri al Maliki, the current prime minister. I was trying to be high-brow and made a boo-boo. I am humbled.
Tip of the day: Don't pick your nose while you're driving. You never know who might pull up next to you.
Shameless Plug:
Check out my Hurricane Katrina Second Anniversary Commemorative Single
"When The Well Runs Dry"
by Cool Cee Brown
(feat. Heron Gibran, prod. by Du)
Adios.
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