A Long and Funny Night with Gill

Okay:

So, Gill and I decided that we should go paint the town on Friday night. I didn't have much money on me, but I was dead-set on having a good time. It had been a long week. We went to Adam's Morgan, a strip of eccelectic bars in Northwest DC. Funny things happened.

9:30. Gill wants to stop at this variety shop to pick up a pack of clove cigarettes. I tell him I have to piss and take a walk towards the alley. The alley is no good though, there are too many people. There is a hot dog stand called M'Dawg next to the variety shop. For some reason the door is open and the lights are on, but the are no patrons and no one standing behind the counter. I dash in, use the facilities and try to make a quick exit. A short Arab man in an apron comes barrelling out of the kitchen, waving his towel and screaming at me in Pharsi. For some reason this does not alarm me, so I don't respond. I simply leave and go look for Gill.

9:40. I find Gill and ask if he got the cloves. He gives me a despondent, "No." He seems troubled.

"There's a man," he continues, "in there buying a whole bunch of porn. They've been bagging it up for the past ten minutes. I got tired of waiting in there."

For some reason I assume he's exaggerating. "Stop exaggerating," I tell him.

"You'll see," he says.

9:45. A six-foot, 300-pound, sweaty pink man in a cheap grey suit emerges from the variety shop carrying a half-dozen trash bags of porn. He steps to the curb and hails a cab. Gill and I are the only people out there who know what's going on.

"I think he's got some dildos and fake pussies in there too," says Gill.

"Why do you think he needs all that porn?" I ask.

"Whatever you do, don't laugh," says Gill.

"Why is he buying off the rack?" I ask. "Wholesale would be cheaper."

"Those DVDs are, like, $50 a pop," says Gill. "Those pussies probably aren't cheap either."

"What in the world is he gonna do with all that porn?"

9:46. A cab pulls up to the curb. The sweaty pink man pulls a handkerchief from pocket and wipes his forhead. He opens up the backseat door like he were opening it for a woman.

"He's opening the door for the porn," I say.

He places each bag in the backseat, one at a time, gentle-like, as if they were filled with explosive materials. It takes him a while. Then he climbs in behind the bags, head first so that the last things we see before the door closes is his wide ass.

9:50. I see Steve, the Sudanese refugee, from I Heart Huckabees. He looks just like he looks in the movie. Seven-feet-tall, skinny, bald head, blue-black, big white smile.

"Hey," I say. "You're that dude from I Heart Huckabees. I love that movie."

"Yes," he says, in a ridiculously thick African accent. "It is me."

10:00. We get a couple drinks and have a seat on the patio of Grand Central. We have a bird's eye view of everything.

"This is the best," says Gill. He'll repeat this several times before the night is over.

10:00-12:00. Drinking. Cat-calling. Noticing that white women, on the whole, are becoming more shapely in that way only black men can appreciate.

"They're back in style," Gill tells me. "Everything from the eighties is back in style. Especially white women."

12:05. I get a call from a woman I used to date. I wrote about her once in a blog entitled "The Greatest BJ of All Time."

"Meet us in Adam's Morgan," I say.

12:40. She arrives. She looks like she's gained a few since I saw her last.

1:00. I realize that I am officially drunk and very tired all of a sudden. As soon as I realize this, club security says it is time to remove the patio furniture. We're welcome to stay but we can no longer sit. I have trouble standing and want desparately to find a new place to sit. I suggest we go next door to The Diner for something to eat, which, luckily, sounds like a good idea to everyone.

1:30. We are eating and I have coffee. Things have improved dramatically. I am rubbing on her thighs. They are big and soft. I am looking forward to later on.

2:00. After I return from the rest room, I realize that she and Gill are having an in-depth coversation about anal sex. According to her it makes your butt bigger. I am getting really excited about later on.

"She always has a place to sit with us as far as I'm concerned," announces Gill.

2:30. I'm dropping Gill off.

2:35. "Do you want me to take you home?" I ask her.

"Yes," she says.

*sound of balloon deflating*

As I'm driving her home in relative silence she says, "You know, I called you a few weeks ago."

"I noticed that," I say.

"I wanted to take a trip down memory lane," she says.

"Sounds like fun," I say.

"But I just found out I'm pregnant," she says. "Otherwise, I'd go home with you."

I immediately start doing math in my head and quickly, thankfully, realize that there is no possible way I'm the culprit. We haven't slept together in over a year. We talk about this new development for the remainder of the ride home. She seems indifferent. I find this depressing.

3:00. I curl up in my bed and fall fast asleep. "This will make a good blog," I say to myself.