My Ugly Reflection

Okay:

So, I have been conducting some serious soul searching lately, trying to figure out why I seem to be attracting what I and the people in my inner circle would consider to be less than desirable women. By less-than-desirable I do not mean ugly or fat, not necessarily. I mean women who no intelligent, ambitious, emotionally mature man would ever take seriously. The most obvious answer would be that I display some of these undesirable qualities myself, and thusly I attract, and am attracted to, these women. I have been trying desperately for the past few months to discover some alternative explanation, but recently I had an experience that validated this dismal assessment.

The other day I ran into a woman I took out to dinner once. My mother would have called her a hoochie, not that she could have payed me to introduce her to my mother. I thought she was interesting though. I had never dated a woman with a tattoo on her neck before. I typically do not date women who wear cheap, greasy weaves, but I made an exception in her case.

Long story short, she had a really fat ass.

To call it a fat ass does not do it justice, however. Usually a woman with a rump this plump would also be plump in other areas, namely her middle. This is usually a concession I am willing to accept in exchange for an ample backside. As I am aging, however, I am finding this trade-off less acceptable. I would rather deal with a flat-out heavy woman than someone is who is still trying to pass for skinny. This weight-denial phenomenon often results in what my homies and I call the muffin-top effect. Not a good-look.

I digress.

Her donkey was special because it was big, round, and juicy but her waist was small and her stomach was flat as a board. You don't see that everyday. At least not it DC. The date was a disaster though. I didn't come close to getting any. At the restaurant she invited herself to order two entrees! A porterhouse steak and a salmon fillet! She ate them both right in front of me! I had to drink three scotches to stop myself from sneaking out on her while she was in the bathroom. And she was dumb as mop bucket and twice as shallow. I deleted her number as soon as she closed my car door.

So I ran into her the other day. Ass still fat. Waist still skinny. Stomach still flat as a board. We talked for a while. She asked about my daughter. I asked about her two kids. The conversation went (practically verbatim) as follows.

HER: I ain't having no more kids.
ME: Bullshit. You're young yet.
HER: Nuh uh. I'm not pushing nothing else out this coochie. Whoever get up in here next needs to know that.
ME: I see.
HER: He probably wouldn't be able to bust a good one cuz every five minutes we'd have to stop and see if the rubber's still on.
ME: I see.
HER: No siree, Bob! These here legs is staying closed!
ME: Well, if it's pregnancy you're primarily worried about there are pills and shots and implants from what I understand.
HER: I ain't trying to gain all that weight! You see this fat ass and this itty bitty waist. I ain't trying to fuck this money up.

I shit you not, ladies and gentleman. This woman is a real person and we had this conversation on a public street within earshot of passersby while the sun was still up.

How is this all relevant? I realized after this conversation was over that she is no more crass and common than I am. Were I the appropriate male counterpart for the kind of woman I want, I probably wouldn't even know this girl. Not that she's a bad person, but COME ON!

And it's not that I think I'm better than her. Quite the contrary. I think she is a reflection of me. A reflection I am hoping to change.

Thanks for reading.

Tip of the day: If you're going to have company of the romantic persuasion, check your toilet bowl before they get there. Nothing spoils a mood like a full john.

Shameless Plug:

Me and my boy Heron took over Washington DC's favorite hip hop radio show Decipher on WPFW 89.3 fm. Check out The Black Broadway Show Podcast. Subscribe. We'll be posting stuff regularly.

If you're in town...COOL CEE BROWN will be performing at The Guerrilla Lounge on Friday, September 28 at RFD (Regional Food and Drink) 810 7th Street NW, Washington, DC 20001 Doors open @ 9pm, $10, Ages 21 & over.