Okay:
Tomorrow school starts up again. For teachers, tonight will be like New Year's Eve, except more depressing. Not that we don't love our jobs, but you know, it's "challenging."
In light of this, I've created a Priorities List. This is different from a New Year's resolution. This is a well thought out action plan. In no particular order:
1. Money/Credit: I'm dead broke and I've got really bad credit. This morning I was at the Gap in the Bowie Towne Center. The cashier offered me 15% off my purchase to apply for a Gap card. I had to tell him, my head bowed in shame, "No thanks. I've got really bad credit." See, these people keep sending me these letters telling me I'm pre-approved for up to $10,000 of credit. Then I apply and get rejected. Which makes me ask, what exactly do they mean by pre-approved? This is not unlike the seventh grade when Harold Lewis told me Tamara Austin had a crush on me and I should ask her for a kiss, only to find out that it was all a cruel joke and the two of them were in cahoots, taking pleasure and finding humor in my social ineptitude.
2. Weight/Health: I've blogged about this before. Two years ago I went to the doctor for a checkup. He told me I was overweight and that my cholesterol was dangerously high. He threatened to put me on medication. A few months ago, I bought some boxer briefs to see if I could sexy things up a bit. I looked at myself in the mirror and was shocked to see how much I didn't look like the guy on the box. I tried wearing them for a while, but I shot out the elastic. Now they just look like really nice boxers.
3. Education/Credentials: I've been fighting the whole graduate school thing for years, but last fall I finally gave in and enrolled at Trinity University. This time next year I should be about six credits away from a master's degree. If I've still got some sand left in me, I'll go on and get a doctorate. See, I can feel myself getting dumber by the moment, and before my brain turns to cauliflower, I'm gonna need a sheet of paper that says once upon a time I knew something about something.
4. Spirituality: I'm an adamant agnostic. But it hasn't been working too well for me. All the Jesus freaks seem to be having most of the luck. So I figure I'll find myself a church or something and kind of fake it til I make it. I'm starting off slow. This summer I watched Joel Osteen practically every weekend and I went to church like four times. Worst case scenario, maybe I'll get some good fortune rub off on me. Blessings by association.
5. Music Career: My music career has been dead in the water for the past 3 years or so. I've put out a handful of albums, but at the end of the day, it's a money pit, really. This year, I'm going to start thinking smart and figuring out ways to invest less money and make more profits. Look out for my guest verse on the "Crank Dat Souljah Boy" remix!
6. Love Life: I've been doing some serious self-evaluation to figure out why I have such bad luck with the ladies. I figured out that I have been projecting qualities that have been attracting the wrong kind of women. For example, apparently pulling out your penis at happy hour will not only attract drunk whores, but it will also turn off intelligent, progressive women. It has a bizarre two-pronged effect, see. So, this year I'm going to try to keep my Mr. Hyde at bay and drink the majority of my scotch in private.
7. Fatherhood: I do okay, but I could do a lot better. This year I'm going to concentrate on supplementing her education with mentally stimulating activities in the evening and on weekends. We will no longer be listening to UGK in the morning or watching Goodfellas before bedtime.
So, I hope you all are engaging in similar self-reflection, cutting back on the Trans fat and wearing rubbers and what have you. Thanks for reading.
Listen to my latest single "Dapperapperiginator"
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