Certified and Dangerous

Okay:

I am now a certified trainer in all components of Dr. Steve Parese's Therapeutic Aggression Control Techniques (or TACT-2). I've got my brand new pretty license sitting right here with my name written in calligraphy on it. That means if your kid was my student and came at me with a pair of scissors, I could, ideally, take him down with causing injury to him or myself and keep him in a therapeutic hold for up to twenty minutes.

The operative word here is "ideally". (No discredit to Parese, who is well aware of the program's limitations). For example, I'm a 5'6" 180lb. high school teacher. That means most of my male students are significantly bigger than me. The operative word in that sentence was "significantly". Basically, despite my extensive, intensive training in these techniques, if a 6 foot, 250 lb 12th grader comes at me with a pair of scissors, I should probably initiate a special technique called Running. I am also certified in Running at High Speeds from Immediate Danger, but I seem to have misplaced my license.

Seriously though. I learned to escape from front and rear chokeholds and side and rear headlocks. I learned bear hug and double arm bar restraints. Had I learned these techniques before breaking up with my ex-girlfriend, I probably wouldn't have a dictionary propping up one end of my favorite wicker chair.

When a drunk 5'2" 160 lb. woman comes charging at you, red-faced with arms flailing violently, I, like most men, would initiate a firm double shoulder grab and shove. This technique is not endorsed by Dr. Parese and his Therapeutic Aggression Control Techniques program. However, it is endorsed by Ike Turner, Billy Dee Williams and the good people at Hennessy (with the understanding, of course, that they can and will not be held responsible for any broken furniture).

At any rate, I spent a whole week with Parese and thirty other trainees in a hotel in Linthicum, a small airport town right outside of Baltimore. The group was fairly evenly divided between black men and white women. Black women and white men were the clear minorities. The stereotypes played out as follows.

The black men, myself excluded, were, for the most part, large. I would put the average height at 5'10". They could've started a basketball team, and if we had more time, I imagine someone would have suggested it.

The white women were of average height and surprisingly athletic. Eventually it was discovered that they had all played field hockey or soccer in high school and all of their names began with the letter J.

The white men were all short and stocky. By short I mean shorter than me. By stocky I mean none of them were under 200 lbs. None of them seemed to like wearing shoes and it was eventually discovered that they were all wrestlers.

The black women were the fewest in number and, by far, the most diverse minority group. They were fat, tall, short, skinny, imposing and timid. It was eventually discovered that they were all program directors and, in all likelihood, would never have to implement the techniques in real life situations. Despite their knowledge of the physical demands of the training, they all came everyday with their makeup and hair done.

The racial makeup of the group was almost a perfect inverse of what I've seen in schools. I'm still not sure what that means, but I think it's significant somehow.

Anyway, I'll be sure to let you all know when and if I have to do a restraint on a student and how it plays out. Thanks for reading.