Cool Cee Brown On...: Broke

Okay:

I just checked my account balance this morning and...let's just say I woke up in a better mood than this. Funny part is, I made more money this year than I ever have in my life. Significantly more. I'm in a whole 'nother tax bracket. Just goes to show you: the more you make, the more you spend.

I now understand how people like MC Hammer and Mike Tyson can end up broke at the end of the day. Hell, I hear Michael Jackson is house shopping in Mitchelleville and hanging out with Marion Barry. That's a long way from Neverland and Emmanuel Lewis.

I've got a couple of vices that have driven me into the kind of debt I couldn't have imagined three years ago.

1. Drinking: I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic. True, I may have anywhere between five and ten alcoholic drinks in a week, but I usually take them all in one sitting. My solution is to buy all my liquor in bulk from now on and drink at home. A gallon of Johnny Walker can't be anymore than seventy bucks. I could drop that much in one happy hour if I have sushi. Sure, drinking alone is kind of pathetic, but this would also eliminate the issue of finding a ride home.

2. Eating Out: Since I quit smoking cigarettes, I now eat when I'm bored. As a result, I have gained thirty pounds in three years. I'm huge. Things jiggle. If I'm not engaged in some sort of activity I will invariably seek out food. I've managed to cut back on the General Tso's Chicken and the greasy subs since I noticed the Chinese man at the Hunan Delight around the corner finishing my sentences for me when I called in orders.

Chinese man: "Hey, buddy."

Me: "Is this Hunan Delight?"

Chinese man: "General Tso's Chicken, Crab Rangoons?"

Me: "Yeah...to 123--"

Chinese man: "1234 Main Street. See you soon, buddy."

Me: "O--kay."

Chinese man: "I just come knock on your patio door."

3. Shopping: I've really gotten into fashion during the past few years. I used to be into it when I was younger, then I stopped caring, and now I'm into it all over again. I shop when I am bored and/or depressed. I'm no label whore though. With $200 I can buy a pair of shoes, three pairs of pants and two shirts. And it will all be fly. It's really quite impressive. I have a talent for it. Ask someone who knows me. Maybe a solution could be for me to budget shop for other people. Instead of spending $300 on those jeans, call me. I'll take $50 for my services and make you look like you're on your way to the VMAs. I call it Econo-Chic.

At the end of the day though, my vices are putting me in the poor house. It's time to make a change. If I died tomorrow, the burden would be on my mother to settle my affairs. It would clean her out! It's better to leave something behind, no?

I've got a plan though.

1. I'm getting rid of my debit card. That thing is of the devil and it must be destroyed. You shouldn't have split-second access to all of your money 24 hours a day like that. It's a goddamn sham. Those bastards at Suntrust charge you thirty dollars every day you're in overdraft, yet continue to clear purchases and checks. I haven't bounced a check since 1999!!!

2. I'm going to close all of my auto-pay accounts. This service, while it is convenient, is for people who have a solid grip on their finances. I clearly ain't one of those people. I've got six or seven of those things dipping into my account every month. I can't keep track of it all. They don't even send me an email to warn me or anything. They just come and take what they want without saying thank you. A kiss or a reach-around would be nice every once in a while.

3. I'm cancelling all of my credit cards except for one. I'll keep one open for emergencies, but the rest of them have to go. The interest alone is killing me. One of them is like 26% or something crazy like that. That's mafia shit. Capital One is gangstas.

4. I'm giving myself a weekly cash allowance. I'm going to commit myself to spending X amount of dollars per week on miscellaneous expenses. No more Red Bull, no more Vitamin Water, no more $10 lunches, no more $50 happy hours, no more Starbucks in the morning, etc, etc, etc. Life is not a black romantic comedy starring Sanaa Lathan and/or Taye Diggs where everyone is inexplicably wealthy and never talks about work.

It's a four-parter. If executed properly and consistently it should be very effective. As a probable #5, I am considering consolidating my debt. This lady named Susan, who I apparently know because she always calls me by my first name, has been leaving messages on my voice mail for years. I'm gonna call her back and see what this is all about. If it sounds good, I may go for it.

Thanks for reading. Tip of the day: Don't do back door/front door without a thorough cleaning first. Bad things will happen. Chao!

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