She Hate Me

Okay:

So my holiday weekend was a little dramatic. Of course, I can’t give you all the details seeing as how it’s technically family business and slightly inappropriate to blast all over the Internet but I’ll give you the gist.

As you might already know, I get cussed out for one reason or another fairly frequently. I’m just one of those kinds of people who draw heat. I can’t help it really. I’m not malicious. I don’t set out to hurt people’s feelings, but somehow or another I end up pissing people off. And for whatever reason, they’re rarely shy about telling me so.

The past few months have been particularly eventful. I guess I’m in the zone or something.

The most interesting thing I heard this spring was, “You are the reason black women have such a hard time finding a good black man.”

An honorable mention goes to, “The only feelings you have are in your dick.”

It’s a popular misconception, however, that I don’t have feelings. I may not give a fuck about most things, but I’m not completely heartless. I care about the breast cancer and Darfur and the goddamn polar bears and that cute little one-eyed dog in the ASPCA commercial.

I have a heart.

Up until recently, I never really got The Big Fuck You from family though. My sister and I get into it occasionally, but we know each other very well so it usually doesn’t escalate to anything serious.

This Fourth of July though, I got The Big Fuck You in a major way.

Technically I got The Big “Fuck you, you fraudulent motherfucker. Stay the fuck away from me.”

Then “someone” hopped over the bar, in three-inch heels no less, and tried to attack me.

Well.

You know, someone asked me a short while ago if I ever gave any thought to why so many people seem to dislike me so intensely, women in particular.

And, honestly, I haven’t given it much thought. Until this weekend. And now I believe I have the answer.

I am, ladies and gentleman, a “Masculist.”

And, yes, I am coining a new term, yet again. You can also thank me for “sexting” (sending sexually explicit messages via text) and “rollover minutes” (sex first thing in the morning). If you’ve heard them any place else, remember you heard them here first.

As you know, I love women. They’ve got soft skin and they’re great conversationalists and they’ll squeeze your blackheads for you. But most importantly, they have vaginas. And vaginas are incredibly lovely and useful.

What I have discovered will burn my butter more than anything else, however, is being subjected to the will of a domineering woman. If she thinks that by sheer virtue of the fact that she’s a woman, I’m going to suffer in silence while she corrects, scolds, redirects or “sets me straight”, she’s got another thing coming.

If she’s never changed my diaper, I think she’s overstepping her boundaries a bit.

The thing is there are so many suckers out there who pull the whole “yes dear” crap and got women thinking that they’re supposed to be constantly asserting themselves on us over bullshit. I, for one, am not having it. I may let you get away with it once or twice, if I like you like that, but eventually we’re going to bump heads. And then you’re not going to like me anymore, and eventually you will give me The Big Fuck You.

And I think it’s because they expect you to sit there and take it.

And, I don’t think they expect you to be smart enough to defend yourself verbally. When you start pointing out the holes in their logic and showing them how silly they sound, they start cussing you out.

Fellas, try it out if you think I’m wrong. The next time your lady or friend with a vagina starts laying into you about something stupid, instead of being sensitive and listening and apologizing, just laugh and say “Honey, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.”

Then no matter what she says after that, just keep laughing and telling her that she sounds like a teenager. The angrier she gets, the harder you laugh.

I guarantee you’ll get The Big Fuck You.

I’m not saying men should dominate over women. I’m also a feminist in that regard. We should be equals, chivalry aside.

But I’m not going to sit there on some Cliff Huxtable shit. Like, “I’m just happy she still lets me hang around.”

Fuck that.

So I’m a Masculist.

If I can get some of you brothers on the same page with me, we can take our balls back and stop dealing with this madness. Post a comment if you’re with me.



Thanks for reading.



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