Top 5 Things You Do Not Want To Hear During Sex

Okay:

I've been on a bit of a tangent for the past few days. I'm surprised none of you mentioned it. Too much heavy shit, and too much shit about me. I mean, this is my blog, but my personal life isn't that interesting. I'm just a schoolteacher. I assume most of you come here for explicit sexual humor. I've got a Google Analytics page (every Blogger should have one) that shows I get the most reads when my titles suggest something sexual. Introspection and politics not so much. So here goes.

Today's blog topic came to me today whilst taking my afternoon siesta. I have written similar blogs before, but I don't think I have ever addressed the issue of bad sex talk.

That is, things you absolutely do not want to hear while you're having sex.

See, I'm the kind of person who likes to put on a good show even when I'm not really enjoying myself. You speak things into existence, right? Especially during sex. Women are auditory. You can enhance the experience with your words if they're chosen carefully and catered to your partner's desires.

For example. If you've been courting a woman for several weeks, months, whatever, and you finally get her into bed after a romantic candlelit dinner with Reverend Al playing softly in the background, you probably shouldn't yell out, "Take it, whore!!!"

Although "Take it, whore!!!" certainly has it's place (you'd be surprised), in this particular situation, some sensual moaning may be just what the doctor ordered.

In contrast, if you've got something extremely hot and casual going on, with no explicit commitment, you probably don't want to say something corny like, "Your skin is so soft."

I wouldn't call it contrived. Just considerate.

If I'm not really into it, for whatever reason (it happens), I'm not just going to hump on her silently until I finish. That's whack, right? I'm gonna fake it til I make it, as they say.

So, for shits and giggles, I have compiled a countdown list of the top 5 things you don't want to hear while having sex. Of course, this was written from the masculine perspective. If any one of my lady readers want to chime in with lists of their own, please feel free. If the brothers want to make additions, this is also welcome.

5. The Wrong Name: In general, I think it's a bad practice to say someone's name during sex. Baby, honey, sweetheart, freak, bitch, whore. These are all acceptable depending on the nature of the relationship. But screaming out someone's name, you're just asking for trouble. Because I'm a fool I'd probably laugh if a woman called me by the wrong name. I'd probably say something like, "Open your eyes, baby. This is Claude's dick." Of course, it'd be a different story if we'd been dating exclusively for a while. But I think most women would end the sex promptly, get dressed, leave and never call again.

4. "Is It In?": Of course, I've never heard this one before. *wink*. But I imagine it could be fairly soul-crushing for the soft-hearted man.

3. "I Want You To Cum!": This one I have heard. I used to date a woman who said it all the time. At first, it was a turn-on. But then I realized that it translated roughly to "I am no longer enjoying myself and I need you to hurry up and finish." Which is not sexy at all. The thing was, I wanted to finish just as badly as she wanted me to finish, but just telling me to wasn't really helping the situation. If you're ready for it be over, ladies, there are a few things you can do to end things quickly if you're skilled and not the squeamish type. But ordering me to hurry up is not going to cut it. I'm tempted to respond, "I want to cum too, but what are you gonna do about it?"

2. "What's Wrong?": There's a time and place for candor, ladies. The bedroom isn't always one of them. If I seem like I'm struggling to get things started and you want to help me out, actions certainly speak louder than words. Of course, I could be candid too. "Actually, you're a pretty bad lay so I was thinking of Serena Williams to maintain my erection. Please be quiet, I'm trying to concentrate."

And number one on The Top 5 Things You Do Not Want To Hear During Sex...

Drum roll, please...

*drum roll...rim shot*

1. "Uh Oh": I've heard this more times than I care to remember. And it's always bad. I won't gross you out with the details, but there are only about three reasons why a woman would say this during sex. There's usually Clorox involved afterwards.


Enjoy the rest of your Hump Day.


Thanks for reading.


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Honorable Mentions: "I want to have your baby!" and "What's the matter? Afraid of a little blood?"