Okay:
Today we shall talk about the duality of men.
It's a frequent complaint. One of the ones that goes in one ear and right out the other.
"Why don't you trim your pubes?"
"Why are there always dishes in the sink?"
"Do you have to go to sleep right afterwards every time?"
"Why are you so different around your friends?"
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Of course, all of these questions have very simple answers.
Trimming your pubes is gay. Period.
Because I'm lazy. But I will wash them right before you start doing this cooking thing that I keep hearing about it.
You should try it. It's actually quite gratifying. We could do it together. Like a couple's hobby.
And, finally...Because they don't want me to be anyone but me. If I say or do something they don't like, which is seldom, they call me an asshole and we keep things moving. We don't have to drop anchor and discuss why I did what I did and how it made them feel. There's no crying and there's no silent treatment. And they don't go commiserate with their other friends about me so that they can prepare what amounts to a prosecutor's opening statement before addressing an issue. I can just be me. No conditions. The posturing, my dear, is actually for you.
And so the women say, A real man is the same around his boys and his woman.
I say, How in the fuck would a woman know what a real man is? And how come when women talk about 'real men', it's always within the context of how they feel they should be treated.
It's never, A real man would try to find the cure for cancer.
Or, A real man watches his sodium intake.
It's always about them.
I say fuck all that. If you want authenticity, ladies, embark on your search with the understanding that it is, by definition, the antithesis of perfection.
And so you say, I'm not looking for perfection, I just want a man who's willing to work on himself.
And I say fuck all that as well.
I want a partner, not a life coach. If there are so many things that need fixing around here, maybe you made a poor choice.
I've got a theory on this.
It's like buying a car.
When a man buys a car, he goes to the lot, picks out the car he wants, writes a check and drives it home. He keeps it clean, makes repairs when he needs to, and he's proud of his purchase. He wouldn't have bought it if he didn't like it.
Women on the other hand, in keeping with this metaphor, will go to a lot and buy the first hunk of junk that catches their eye. Not because it's a particularly good car, but because they like something about it. They don't check under the hood or kick the tires, they just go with the feeling. Thinking to themselves the whole while, Whatever's wrong with it can be fixed.
So they spend years pouring money into a piece of shit that, no matter what repairs they make, will never run properly.
It's this way with relationships.
You can't go into it thinking you're making repairs on this motherfucker. That's how you end up with the whole duality thing. You've got the silhouette of the perfect man in your brain and you're trying to hammer this motherfucker into the mold. And because he wants to be with you, he's trying to fit the mold. But it ain't natural. It's all for you.
His friends could give two shits. They'd rather he stayed the same as the day he met them.
And you know what? When you're long and gone, off trying to groom and train some other poor sap, his friends will still be there.
"Where's that girl you were dating?"
"Oh, she broke up with me months ago. Said she couldn't take it anymore."
"Couldn't take what?"
"All kinds of shit."
"Like what? Did you cheat on her? Giver her something? Hit her?"
"No."
"So, what?"
"Just a bunch of shit. I don't even remember most of it."
"Well, good riddance. Sounds like the bitch was crazy."
"She asked me to trim my pubes once."
"That's so gay. You didn't do it, did you?"
"Fucks no."
"Jesus. A bitch'll turn you into a completely different person if you're not careful."
"Like Steven Austin."
"Exactly. A motherfucker wouldn't even recognize you."
"Amen."
*clinking of beer bottles*
Thanks for reading.
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An Inspired Suggestion: Men, we should start beginning our gripes with "A real woman would..." Let's see how that works.
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5 comments:
lol, men don't have to start a convo with "a real woman would..." because its implied most times...
you seem a bit pissed today...I hope you know that you are perfect as you are and if someone is hurt because of something you said, its just their way of letting you know how much what you think of them matters...yes, its heavy to know that someone has entrusted you with their feelings, but its not a reflection of you, that's their issue to grapple with. You do have the responsibility, when in a relationship, to be aware of the type of woman you are dealing with to know what hurts them, makes them happy, etc. or you become just as guilty with trying to change someone or wishing they were different.
how's the new job?
Um, who done it, Schnookems?? You seem a little...bitter today. I can't speak on most women (I've been told I'm a man in a woman's body), but as for me, I'm not looking for the perfect man. I'm looking for the man that's perfect for me, imperfections and all. I'd rather have the person you are with your friends, cause that's who you'll always be, so give me him. It's not about fixing somebody...It's about deciding if you can deal with the stuff you think needs to be fixed. I have PLENTY of quirks about me. I wish a nigga would expect me to change. He can get his walking papers on the exchange of phone numbers. I happen to like who I am and he should, too. That's the same premise I hold for my other. If he likes him, I should like him or go on to one I do.
For the record, starting off a convo with 'a real woman would...' is so gay, lol. Just keep looking at her like she's stupid. I tend to ask very simple questions with this look on my face and let them come to the light of their stupidity on their own.
Could you imagine asking your barber to trim your pubes? He'd be like "you want them sharp or square pointed?" And then you'd wake up from that horrible homoerotic dream.
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I don't think that you are being bitter in this post. I think people are being judgmental. You are just expressing how you feel about women. And most of it is spot-on. The rest is so hilarious, I don't know if you're being serious or not.
Good post! (And if you ever trim your pubes, go to Sears and buy a pair of those Wahl clippers. They'll get the job done)
smh...it's hard out there for Cool Cee, huh?
I so disagree with you on that whole decision making process...see i would never to a car lot to buy a car, used that is without bringing along my trusty mechanic...i want a quality car, not just a pretty car, one that will give me good mileage a smooth ride, has appeal, but not too flashy...not mileage not over the top, but okay it's been through a dry run and the previous owner was satisfied but just ready to move on. I want to jump in that baby and have the chairs mold around me...cuz it's got to be comfortable too...now once my mechanic has completed the checklist, engine good, oil, battery, belts, no wrecks...tires, etc....at it's at a good price...i'm off to purchase.
My relationships or when i picking...i use the same checklist...and it's quite easier these days to separate the lemons from the gems. (feel me)
now you can start this post off with....A REAL WOMAN WOULD!
Cee Brown,
I have to agree with you on many points that you made. Being married for 5 years now has definitely opened my eyes up and made me realize "what you see is what you get." Now, I don't believe you can change a person, but sometimes change needs to be personally recognized by an individual. Not on the basis of changing because the person you are with wants you to be a certain way, but changing for the good of your own personality. Just because you act a certain way, and have been doing it since you don't know when, doesn't mean that's the right way to act.
Men and women are just different in the way they perceive things. I think that there is not one perfect person out there, so for woman or man to make up a list of what they want in a person is totally absurd because most of it is not realistic. You have to deal with relationships and the people you are dealing with in that relationship on an individual basis. No one relationship is the same. I think you should make a list of the things you don't want and let everything else fall in place. You definitely have to have some boundaries that the other know not to cross. And you are definitely going to continue to learn each other day to day. I feel a lot of times, us men fall victim to trying to change the way we do things in respect for the one we with feelings. It's nothing wrong with that to an extent, but that needs to be reciprocated. I think a lot of times everything feels onesided. The woman wants this and that, and we try to give it to them, so they can be pleased. But, what about us, we are worth just as much and no man should ever think different. My whole philosophy is you want to be treated like a Queen, so I want to be treated like a King......try your best to treat people or your significant other the way you want to be treated.
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