He Works Hard For The Money...Kind Of

Okay:

So, I've been thinking. My current financial situation, as you know, is dismal. Quite depressing actually. On my coffee table is a pile of bills that I cannot pay. And if I take my sister's word for it, and I do, with my current salary, I'll be forty before I see my way through this mess. And that's if I never go to another happy hour and eat tuna fish for dinner every night.

Seeing as how the whole rap thing doesn't seem to be working out, and for whatever reason, the Internet won't pay me to write this blog everyday, I need to find me some money somewhere. My sister suggested, and suggested is a mild word, that I get a bartending gig in the evening. However, upon further consideration, and a rather thoughtful comment from one of my readers yesterday, I have decided that it might not be the best idea in the world. I've already got two jobs and I do a lot of contract writing. "Burning the candle at both ends" can indeed be dangerous. I'm almost 30. A 70-hour work week at 3 different locations may be pushing it.

Or maybe I'm just a lazy middle-class American.

Plus, as the saying goes, one should worker smarter, not harder, right?

So, today I googled "The Highest Paying Professions". Here goes:


=== Highest paid job = Mutual-Fund Manager: $500,000-$1,000,000/yr ===

1. Surgeons: $65.89/hr; $137,050/yr

2. Investment Banker: $64.42/hr; $134,000/yr (entry level)

3. Obstetricians and gynaecologists: $64.15/hr; $133,430/yr

4. Anaesthesiologists: $63.31/hr; $131,680/yr

5. Internists, general: $61.03/hr; $126,940/yr

6. Actuaries, certified: $57.52/hr; $119,680 (base salary only)

7. Pediatricians, general: $56.03/hr; $116,550/yr

8. Psychiatrists: $54.60/hr; $113,570/yr

9. Family and general practitioners: $52.89/hr; $110,020/yr

10. Dentists: $53.28/hr; $110,820/yr

11. Pharmacists: $53.00/hr; $110,240/yr

12. Chief Executives: $51.77/hr; $107,670/yr

13. Airline pilots, co-pilots and flight engineers: (N/A); $99,400/yr

14. Podiatrists: $45.43/hr; $94,500/yr

15. Lawyers: $44.19/hr; $91,920/yr

16. Optometrists: $42.35/hr; $88,100/yr

17. Computer and information systems managers: $40.33/hr; $83,890/yr

18. Physicists: $40.26/hr; $83,750/yr

19. Air traffic controllers: $40.07/hr; $83,350/yr

20. Petroleum Engineers: $39.33/hr; $81,800/yr

21. Nuclear Engineers: $38.56/hr; $80,200/yr

22. Judges, magistrate judges, and magistrates: $38.24/hr; $79,540/yr

23. Marketing Managers: $37.70/hr; $78,410/yr


Unfortunately, I don't want to do any of this shit. And I don't even know what the fuck an Actuary is. Plus, most of these professions would require anywhere between two and six years of full-time post-graduate work. Which is not really an option for me at this point.

So what of my current profession, Education? If you've got the credentials, the smarts and the savvy, an educator can do quite well. But the income potential is finite. Even with a doctorate and decades of experience, you're topping out in the very low six figures. And as you can see, they're nowhere to be found on this here list. Although, I did read somewhere that educators are the only people immune to a recession.

But, trust me. That's a big hot, heaping crock of shit.

So, what shall I do? I've got a few entrepreneurial ideas that I haven't attempted yet. But experience has shown me that I have all the business savvy of a one-armed buss boy.

So, again. What shall I do? I dreamed up some options during last night's Shiraz-induced coma.


1. Stripper: I don't really have the body for it, but I'm oozing with delusional confidence. Chicks dig that more than anything as I understand it.

2. Drug Dealer: I've met a lot of clientele in my current profession. I think I could flip a brick pretty fast on Parent-Teacher Conference Night.

3. Politician: I'm an extremely talented bullshit artist. But up until now I've just been using my gift to get laid.

4. Hitman: I've never killed anyone, but if the price was right, I think I could do it. Especially if it's a Republican or an Evangelist.

5. Pimp: I'd be the nice kind though. I wouldn't beat my bitches.

6. Pornographer: I've watched enough of the stuff to know the good shit when I see it. I'd make mine with less man-ass and/or balls in the shots though.

7. Gigolo: I've got a lot of love to give. But it's only fair, I think, that I get something back.


So, that's all I could come up with. If you have any suggestions, drop a comment.


Thanks for reading


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GOBAMA!


Postscript: I may be getting my boot taken off tomorrow. That's if they'll accept partial payment. Wish me luck.