The Art and Science of Flatulence and That's Pretty Much All I Have To Talk About Today

Okay:

So, today was not an interesting day. I did, however, work out this morning, for the first time since last Wednesday, I think. I discovered something strange while at the gym.

I fart every time I do a sit up. Literally.

Usually, no one else is in the fitness center when I go. So, it's not so bad. But when there are other people there, I simply turn up my iPod and pretend not to notice. Sometimes people turn their heads, and make funny faces. But no one ever says anything.

I had the same problem when I was trying to do Yoga. And that was more embarrassing because there were usually one or two cuties in the classes. I'd be the only brother in there to begin with. And I'd be cutting loose like I was getting paid for it.

I guess I'm just what they call a "flatulent fellow".

I've come up with different categories of farts. They're not all the same, you know.

1. THE BARK: This is your standard one-second audible fart. It probably won't stink at all. More thunder than lightning.

2. THE WARM FRONT: It's usually a sign that you've got some shitting to do. This is a silent, short warm fart. It may or may not stink, but if it does, God help you.

3. THE MIST: This is just like The Warm Front, except there's a hint of moisture. And unlike The Warm Front, this one almost always smells rotten eggish.

4. THE HEATER: This one is a mix between The Warm Front and The Mist, except it's fucking hot! Guaranteed to funk up the place.

5. THE DRUMROLL: This is essentially an elongated Bark. I've had Drumrolls that must've lasted at least 30 seconds. These rarely ever stink though.

6. THE WMD: The WMD is a painful, shockingly loud Bark. It's short, it hurts, and it's sure to make everyone stop dead in their tracks. And it almost never stinks.

7. THE HYBRID: Sometimes, if you're like me, you may fart in a series. That series may contain several different types of farts. Sometimes they may run together, creating a Hybrid. That is, it may start out as a Mist than drag out into a Drumroll and end with a shot of Heater.

Today I had a lot of Mists going on. And sure as shit (no pun intended), when I got home I had to handle my business.

If you've got any other types of farts that you know of and I have not mentioned them, please leave the name and a brief explanation in the comment box.


And here goes the album again

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Thanks for reading.


GOBAMA/BIDEN!


Innocent Question: If you fart while you're reading this, do me a favor and try to see if you can identify the fart in one of my categories. Thanks.