A Guilty Pleasure

Okay:

I hate reality television.

I love reality television.

I can't make up my mind.

I got hooked on The Real World when I was in high school. I remember the very first season. Heather B went off on that white boy. Then he ended up hosting The Grind. Which was also a great show. Eric was his name, I think.

Strange that it didn't seem to help Heather's career any. Kevin ended up doing some television and print journalism. Published a book or two. Then he ran for Congress. He lost though.

Then there was The Real World 2 in Los Angeles. David got kicked off for ripping the blanket off of Tammy and dragging her around on the floor in her under draws. Beth, the white virgin, called him a rapist. Then they voted to kick him off and replaced him with the very boring second Beth, right? She was a lesbian with short blond hair.

Then there was Puck, my favorite reality star. I loved that guy.

Then there was Road Rules, which I couldn't keep up with. Entirely too much shit going on. So I stopped paying attention for a while.

Then I went away to college and didn't have cable for, like, 7 years. But I heard about shows like The Osbournes, Being Bobby Brown, and Growing Up Gotti.

Apparently, while I had my back turned, all hell broke loose.

As my regular readers know, I just got cable again for the first time since 1997, this past November. All I've got to say is Holy Shit.

The sit com, the cop drama, the comedy sketch show--none of that can compete with a good juicy reality show. Six white yuppies in a coffee shop can't fuck with a five-foot-tall, bi-sexual Filipino stripper! No contest.

This shit is out of control. I've been trying to fight it since I got my shit connected, but Lord help me, it's everywhere. Every fucking channel. All day long. There is no escape. No wonder the writer's strike went on for so long. They don't need the motherfuckers anymore!

It's gotten so bad, they've got spin-offs now. The Flavor of Love was a spin-off of The Surreal Life. I Love New York. Then Charm School. Then I Love Money, my new favorite.

In the last episode they tried to make Chance kiss Mr. Boston. Of course, Chance wouldn't do it and his team lost the challenge. So Heat threw a towel at him and Chance got all upset and tried to fight him. So, Destiny jumped in it and Chance screamed on her but Heat didn't stick up for her. But The Entertainer's got a thing for Destiny, so he slid right in and picked up the pieces. Then he voted Heat off so he could have her all to himself.

And this all happened in one half-hour!!!!

David E. Kelly, eat your heart out.

I missed a lot in the middle of the evolution of the reality show. Seems like they're more pseudo-reality now. They put all these psycho attention whore chain smoking alcoholics in a house together, give them a bunch of crazy things to do, draft up some cockamamie loosely-scripted drama and turn the cameras on. How can you not watch it?

But it certainly makes David's little blanket stunt look really timid. The rules were really strict back then though, remember? Any act of violence or erratic behavior could get you sent home. And no one ever hooked up, now matter how likely it seemed. Now it's a bloody free for all. Midgets and strippers and former porn stars all in the mix together.

And people don't have names any more, I see. No more Brians and Susans and Tyrones. Everyone has, like, an American Gladiator name. Nibblz. Pumkin. 6 Pack.

It makes real shows look silly and contrived. Like, Look at them up there acting. That's so nineties.

Still, I long for old-fashioned shows like The Cosbies. Only now I have Run's House. And instead of Lisa Bonet, I've got Angela Simmons to drool over.

She is legal now, right?


Thanks for reading.


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Postscript: I auditioned for The Real World once in college. Obviously, I didn't make the cut. But I had a friend who was invited for a call back. But she didn't make it either. And I had another friend who was on some short-lived BET reality show. And another who was a reappearing friend on Real World Hawaii. As I'm told, shit's realer than it looks. But a lot less exciting in real time.