No Longer Young

Okay:

I'll be 28 tomorrow. Time for some serious self-reflection. 30 is right around the corner, no?

I recently had a heart-to-heart with my older sister, the stock broker, last week. She berated me for being fiscally irresponsible, immature, bad father, etc. etc. She's one of those people who feel better after telling someone how they really feel. It's like farting but with words.

She's right to a certain extent, I suppose. I am experiencing a second childhood. I believe I have an aversion to adulthood. It just sounds so boring. Paying your bills on time, keeping a well-stocked refrigerator, monitoring your credit, networking with the 'right' people, etc. etc. *yawn*

This developmental delay was put in perspective for me this weekend. Yesterday was my father's birthday. He just turned 70. Our family threw him a big catered thing at the church. It was nice. At some point two little girls, my cousins I believe, did some sort of spooky bizarre Christian interpretive dance with face paint and white gloves. Other than that, par for the course.

Later that night, however, I attended my 10 year high school class reunion. I went to an art school, and so, appropriately, the event was in Dupont Circle, DC's gay mecca. I was dressed to the nines and ready to see some of my classmates, the formerly cool turned tragically pathetic. I would walk around with a haughty grin, looking quite successful and generally pleased with myself. Maybe reconnect with a honey or two. Hell, maybe get laid.

The reality was a severe disappointment. The whole event was utterly forgetful. Hardly anyone showed. And of the four women that did show, one was an obvious lesbian, and one was Honda hatchback pregnant. The only people I spoke to were people I still communicate with anyway.

How does this give me perspective?

The glory days of my youth are officially over. My high school reunion has come and gone and I am no better for it. An important milestone, casually and predictably underdone. I am forced to move on without my consent.

In 2 years I'll be 30. Why is 30 so significant? Not because you're officially old but because you are officially not young. I will no longer be a young man. My failings will be magnified and all criticisms will invariably be followed by, "For Christ's sake, you're THIRTY."

Not old, mind you. My father is old. I'm not old. I'm just not young anymore.

But there is another way to look at my behavior that my sister and other critics may have overlooked. Perhaps I am not delayed but advanced. We have all heard of the mid-life crisis. Presumably, men reaching middle age will begin to regress socially in an effort to recapture the excitement of youth and escape the boredom of adulthood. Perhaps I am having my mid-life crisis early.

This would explain a lot. My series of meaningless sexual relationships. My aversion to commitment. My fiscal recklessness. My drinking.

If my theory holds up, however, once I'm over all this, I'll have the wisdom and patience of a senior citizen in my forties. So while my friends are buying motorcycles, piercing their ears and sleeping with their secretaries, I'll be nice and settled. All fuckery officially out of my system.

So you see, I am actually ahead of the curve.

Thanks for reading.

Tip of the day: Apparently, it is unhygienic to use the same washcloth on your butt crack that you use for the rest of your body.

Shameless plug: Make sure you visit my website http://www.blackbroadwayrecords.com/ as I have made some major improvements.

Apology: I know I have not posted in almost 2 weeks. This is largely due to the fact that I have been wokring diligently at improving the look and feel of the website. So make sure you check it out. http://www.blackbroadwayrecords.com/