My Big Sister Kicks Ass!

Okay:

So my sister, the stock broker, was in town this weekend to run in the 32nd Marine Corps Marathon. In case you're one of my non-black readers, it may be worth the time to explain that there are several things most black people find strange. One is sleeping with dogs. Another is running for no reason.

Things I learned about the sport of running that I did not know before:

1. A "marathon" is exactly 26.2 miles.

2. Competitive marathon runners wear diapers so they won't have to stop to pee.

3. Kenyans are the fastest ethnic group on the planet--cheetahs of the race pool.

My mother, my stepfather, my daughter and I went down to Crystal Drive, hoping to catch her at the 18th mile. If you've never stood on the sidelines of a marathon, it is something I recommend highly. There are many laughs to be had.

First, a 60-year-old white woman busted her ass. Poor lady tripped over a cobblestone and landed on both knees. OUCH! Embarrassing, but humorous. Something about old people falling down. Call me sadistic. Don't worry though. She hit the button on her Life Alert bracelet and the MediVac was there within fifteen minutes.

Just joking. She dusted herself off and kept running. What a soldier.

Then there was the white woman in the SuperGirl costume.

I don't have anything else to say about that.

There was a brother with a bowtie.

When he paused for the picture he said, "Come on, brother, I ain't got all day." I thought that was funny.

Some things weren't funny at all, like all the Marines holding American flags with the names of their dead buddies on the backs of their t-shirts. One guy was pushing what can most aptly be described as a wheel barrel containing a man with no bones, just a smiling pile of flesh. Disturbing, yet inspirational.

Then came my sister. She stopped to talk for a moment and asked for some food. She said she spent a half-hour total in the Port-a-Johns. She peed in the bushes once. "I hope I don't get poison oak any place important," she said. Then she was off again.

Then we saw another white woman wearing a set of plastic devil's horns on her head. "Go, Devil!" my mother screamed. I though that was funny.

An hour or so later, we met her at the Iwo Jima Memorial. My sister had finished a marathon. What a fucking stud. She didn't even look that tired. Still had her makeup on. The bar has officially been raised, ladies.

Later that night my daughter asked her why she did it. "To see if I could finish," she said.

"Well," said my daughter matter-of-factly, "you did."

Congrats, Sis.


Thanks for reading.

Tip of the day: Ladies, never touch the dried up towel under your man's bed. Just leave it be.