A Woman Who Has Everything

Okay:

Sunday is mother's day. It's one of the very few holidays I still celebrate.

Mothers deserved to be celebrated.

I face the same issue every year around mother's day though. First of all, I always seem to be painfully broke around this time. Secondly, my stepfather really raises the bar when it comes to the whole present game. Which is certainly a good thing for her, but it makes it damn hard for me to find a gift that will make some sort of impression.

One year I bought her a couple of good books to read. He bought her a pair of ruby earrings.

See?

Then now that my sister is good and settled into a fairly lucrative career, she also will throw in her heavy hat. So, I have to compete with two big spenders.

"Thank you, husband, for this matching luggage set. Thank you, daughter, for this insanely expensive handbag that I was too embarrassed to buy for myself. And thank you, son, for this very nice hat."

Earlier this year, on her birthday, I bought her an iPod, which went over very well. My sister went out of her way to complement me. "You did a very good job this year," she said when we were alone.

I haven't figured out what to buy her yet, but I am hoping that I'll be able to come up with something good. But it's going to be difficult to top that iPod.

My heightened anxiety over this is a result of my having been such a troublesome child, I think. Had it not been for my mother's unflinching insistence that I not become a waste-of-space, I probably would be in some phase of the correction system by now.

I feel I owe her a decent mother's day present.

I've gotten more and more serious about this as the years have progressed. One year, as a belated gift, I bought her three baby tees with funky little slogans on them, like, "Do you know where your boyfriend is?"

I told her she could get her "young girl on".

Those didn't go over very well.

I think my sister called me. "Claude, what the fuck did you get our mother for mother's day?"

"Baby tees."

"Baby tees? Is that supposed to be funny? Like, that's not funny. That shit is fucked up. She's your mother. You can do so much better than that."

This year, however, I'm going to separate the men from the boys. I'm going to give her something that will make her smile and improve her life dramatically.

I'm not sure what yet. But it will come to me.

Suggestions?


Thanks for reading.



GOBAMA!

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Confession: I owe her some money. Maybe I could pay her back in full.