Supersize Me

Okay:

A young lady posed a very interesting question to me the other day.

"Cee Brown," she said, "You should write about this in your next blog."

This is beginning to happen far more frequently than I ever thought it would. I started this blog as an avenue for promoting my music. Somewhere along the way, the blog eclipsed the music and I often hear, "You should write a blog about this."

I'll be out drinking with friends and something funny will happen and someone will say, "You gotta put that in your blog!"

Or something embarrassing will happen and someone will say, "I better not read about this in your blog!"

At any rate, this was the young lady's question: "Why do guys with average-sized penises buy Magnum condoms? I mean, who do they think they're kidding?"

"Hmmm," I thought. Well, I wasn't about to take a survey. "That is an interesting question," I said. "But the answer is relatively simple. Men have major penis complexes as it relates to size. It's probably the single most determinant factor in how a man interacts with people."

"I realize that," she said. "But it's, like, delusional for a man with a six inch penis to whip out a Magnum and think that it's creating some kind of optical illusion that's going to trick me into thinking his dick is bigger than it actually is. Maybe he doesn't know it's average."

"No. Every man has a general idea of what category he falls in. Small. Medium. Large. Then there's length and width to consider."

"That's what I figured."

"Is it any different, in principle, than a push-up bra though?"

"I would say so. Because some clothing requires that you wear one in order to make it look right. I used to have a friend that was so flat-chested she had to wear chicken cutlets. She ended up getting implants because she was just so sick of it, you know. Which I think is understandable."

"I'm sorry. Chicken cutlets? What in the fuck are chicken cutlets?"

"Silicone bra inserts. They're shaped like actual chicken cutlets."

"Holy shit."

"You know, I used to date this guy. He was a real sweetheart. But he had, like, a baby's penis."

"That's probably why he was so nice."

"I think he was a good candidate for an implant."

"Like, a penis implant? They can't do that. It's a muscle with an intricate piping system."

"Of course they can. The breast is also muscle with piping."

"But if they fuck up, your dick may stop working. It's not a disaster if your titty stops working. You just won't be able to breast feed or get nipple sensation. But if your dick stops working, it's a bad scene. That's a bad, bad scene, man."

"I think that's why most people don't know about it. It's not very popular and I imagine it's for that reason."

"Yeah. Having a huge dick that doesn't work would suck. Like, having a dick that just pees and that's it. I would kill myself."

"But back to the Magnums."

"Oh yeah. Well, it's the first brand I ever bought for myself."

"Yeah. I can imagine some kid wanting to create that impression and thinking that he actually needs it, but a thirty-something-year-old man? Unless you have, like, a minimum of eight inches and some pretty serious width, I'd say you're just kidding yourself and when she gets around her girlfriends they are all gonna laugh at you."

"There's probably no difference anyway. But it's a brilliant marketing strategy when you think about it."

"Exactly."

So, fellas. The moral of the story is, don't let her see it until you're already in there.


Thanks for reading.



GOBAMA!

Click here to download the new single: "No Fear" featuring Phonte and Asheru. It includes the Joe D remix, 2 b-sides and video interviews with Cool Cee Brown. FREE FOR A LIMITED TIME.

Innocent Question: Ladies, can a man with a large penis get away with a lot more shit within the context of a relationship than a man with an average or small penis? And, would you treat a man with a super small penis differently? Like, would you be less patient, less considerate, less giving?