Rules Of Engagement

Okay:

Status report on my Crush:

3 days, 2 unreturned phone calls.

Operation "mature, healthy, adult relationship" TERMINATED.

Return immediately to guilt-free casual sex with loyal stable of shallow women.

I should have gone with my first instinct to text her a photo of my dick. I probably would have got me some by now. But I know you all's hearts were in the right place. I don't hold it against you. I just think you were underestimating the "shock-and-awe" aspect of such a bold move. Or "cock-and-awe", as it were.

Back to the drawing board.

In the meantime, a question about Booty Call Etiquette.

Let's say I texted a woman an extremely vulgar suggestion about how we should spend our evening. Let's say this woman and I have a sexual history spanning two years, and such an act would not be considered inappropriate, disrespectful or presumptuous. Par for course, pretty much.

Let's say I received a rather disappointing return text stating that she was indisposed at the moment and unable to meet my request.

Then let's say before I could send a return text expressing my displeasure at her inability to foresee my sexual needs and plan accordingly, the phone rang.

Let's say said woman was on the other end and began an oddly casual conversation about her day and what she had on and how everyone was getting on her nerves.

Let's say I was polite and listened and commented, but then injected that since I wasn't getting any sex, I should probably try to get some work done.

Let's say said woman heard me but did not take the hint and continued rambling about random bullshit.

Let's say that I remained polite, gentleman that I am, but insisted again that I should try to get some work done and was finally able to get her off of the phone.

In my opinion, this is a flagrant violation of Booty Call Etiquette. To prevent future complications, I have compiled a proposed list of guidelines. Comments are encouraged.

1. Stick to the initial mode of communication; If I wanted to talk, I would have called.

2. Always offer a rain check if accommodations cannot be made; Don't make me beg.

3. Keep it sexy! Of course, I want to hear about your day. Afterwards.

4. Limit calls/texts to twice a week; Anything more is called dating.

This is all I could come up with so far. I'd like to ramp this up to at least 5 items and see if we can't get something viral going on. It could be the next big thing.


Thanks for reading.

GOBAMA!

SOMETHING NEW: Make sure you download the new "Freestyle of the Week". It's a new feature I'll have posted every Monday (or Tuesday in this case).

And my homeboy Joe D and I will be performing as Dirty Water on June 8th at The Black Cat here in DC, opening for The Cool Kids. If you're in town, make sure you check us out.

Factoid: Texting is God's gift to the anti-social freak!

...And, in all seriousness, everyone's heart-felt advice was much appreciated. I LOVE YOU GUYS!