Endless Love

Okay:

"You're dead on the inside," a woman once said to me.

I've been hearing variants of this statement a lot lately. I think it's a fairly superficial assessment of my attitude towards relationships. I'm just not interested in seriously hooking up with anyone right now. So I keep my emotions in check.

But as you know, I might as well wear a sign that says, "If you love me, I will change."

And before I get a bunch of nasty comments, trust me, I do realize that this is part of the human condition and is not gender specific. Everyone wants what they can't have.

In fact, for anyone who is feeling insecure about their stock price in the dating market, I would suggest a year of emotional fasting. Stay intentionally single and maintain a healthy distance from all suitors. Notice I didn't say abstain. Just don't attach. My guarantee is that within a year's time, you will have at least five suitors from which to chose.

I once had a woman give me the blowjob of all blowjobs, and then it seemed like before I could get my pants back on she was asking me where our relationship was going.

"That's not fair," I said, "You know there's a fifteen-minute, post-ejaculate suspension of logic and reasoning. Ask me again when I'm sober and flaccid."

"You're dead on the inside," she said.

Pretty cold, huh? I hadn't done anything to her. I hadn't disrespected her. Treated her like a lady the whole time, made her laugh, paid for dinner, was a considerate and passionate lover. I just didn't fall in love with her. And this frustrated her.

It would frustrate anyone.

But before you assume that this is all about ego and fear of commitment and/or vulnerability issues, I assure you there is a spiritual element to the approach. The Buddha says, "The cause of suffering is attachment."

To be clear, this does not mean that you should become a zombie. Love and attachment are two different things. My ideology is more in line with "if you love something, you should let it go," as opposed to, "if you love something, you should hold it close to you and never let it go anywhere or do anything it wants to do because it shouldn't want to do anything you don't want it to do because you love it so much."

The Buddha also teaches us to remember that "Change is unavoidable. All things are of the nature to change." I don't think anyone can dispute this. But the Western concept of love is in direct contradiction to it. "Love" as we are taught to understand it, is forever.

So, I was on the phone with the young lady I was dating. We had been hanging out and talking on the phone for a few months. She had made it clear that she wanted more, and I made it clear that I was not interested in rushing things. After a while she said to me, "Claude, I think we should start seeing other people."

So I said, "When did you come to this conclusion?"

And she said, "I don't really want to talk about it. Can I call you later?"

"That's a little fucked up, I think. You drop the bomb on me and then tell me you'll call me later. No explanation."

"I'm sorry, but I have to go."

I sat and thought about it. I was pissed a little bit. And then a calm rushed over me, and I was okay.

The phone rang.

"Is it okay if we talk about it tomorrow actually? I'm going to be really busy tonight," she said.

"You know," I said, "We don't really need to talk about it. I think it makes sense."

"Okay," she said.

And there you have it. I enjoyed the time we spent together, but we were on two different paths. It was time for her to move on. Me trying to stop her would have been selfish, I think.

Relationships are like good meals. They are enjoyable, but, by virtue of their nature, are not meant to last forever.

But it was certainly a bitch finding a new and suitable lover. Which, I think, is the biggest reason people hold on longer than they should. Not love, the noun. Love, the verb.


Thanks for reading.



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Factoid: Unless you count this (And I wouldn't. I was seeing other women the whole time anyway) I have only been dumped once. And it hurt like a bitch too!