I Got My Swagger Back

Okay:

I'm kind of the office joke when it comes to sex. While my music is filled with decadent eroticism and even my casual conversation is peppered with raunchy innuendo and double entendre, my sex life is pretty basic.

If my libido were a car, it would be a Toyota Camry.

Good. Reliable. Nothing fancy. But nothing to complain about either.

There is a recurring happy hour argument. How long should sex last? I have been adamant in my position that it is completely possible for two people to get what they need in less than thirty minutes. Then they can spend the rest of their night doing more productive activities, like sleeping.

This is the part where all the women suck their teeth and shake their heads in pity.

Gill tells me, "You're only 28. Stop acting like an old man!!!"

"Go fuck yourself," I say.

Then Gill says, "You know what? You just haven't been inspired. You meet the right girl, that'll change."

"Go fuck yourself," I say. It's easy to dismiss Gill. He's been with the same woman for 15 years. What does he know? But last night, those seemingly empty words were proven to have great merit.

Sort of.

As you know, I just moved into a new apartment. That's why I haven't written in nine days. Still getting settled, you know. Anyway, I invite my Friday night regular over for some break-in-my-new-apartment sex. When she arrives, I immediately notice that she has done away with her trademark mid-back length weave and fake eyelashes. Yes, I know. Doesn't sound like my type, right? Well, you're right. I didn't realize how right until last night though. I found that seeing her in her natural state was extremely erotic.

I pounced on her like a jungle cat.

Then, an hour and a half later, I did it again.

Let us not underestimate the magnitude of this. I haven't wanted to have sex twice in the same night in years.

As we lay there basking in the after glow she told me, "I'm really glad you're not depressed anymore."

"Depressed?"

"Yeah, you've been depressed for about a year now, but it looks like you're finally coming out of it."

"Hmpf."

Then on the way out of the door, I jumped on her again. Right there by the front door.

My swagger is officially back in the building!!!!

I think it's the new apartment, which is fabulous by the way. You should all come over for wine and cheese.

Thanks for reading.

Tip of the day: Say a prayer for the friends and family of Redskins safety, Sean Taylor. He just passed away an hour ago!

Shameless Plug: I will be performing LIVE @ The Bohemian Caverns on Thursday December 6 with Heron Gibran, Dirty Water, the Sound of the City band and DJ 2 Tone Jones. (11th and U St, NW WDC) 21 and over. No cover. Doors open at 8. Showtime at 9.