Why Can't We Be Friends?

Okay:

So, one of my students has discovered Ning.

For those of you who don't know, Ning is a online network of online social networks. It's like MySpace on crack. Basically, you can create your own MySpace, and invite friends who can set up their own MySpace-like pages within your network. And it's totally free.

For a year or so it seemed to be the best kept secret for the computer geeks. Then big business caught on, and finally, the common folk. Now everyone has a Ning network. Including 50 Cent, The American Society of Wiccans, and myself.

This student of mine has mild mental retardation. He's 16, but cognitively and emotionally, he's about 7. And, because God's so damn funny, he's a little over six feet tall.

And he loves 50 Cent.

If 50 Cent ever decides to start making toothbrushes, he'll sell at least one.

Or sheets. Or draws.

Anyway. Some genius introduced him to the wonderful world of online social networking. Thing is, he's just as awkward at socializing online as he is in the real world. And apparently, no one wants to be his "friend".

Isn't that tragic?

Then one day I visited the administration page of my network and realized that this kid somehow joined without me noticing.

Well.

It's tricky being a school teacher and creating a fairly raunchy brand of hip hop. The average 16-year-old can handle it, but you don't necessarily want to mix those worlds, you know.

And this kid certainly cannot handle it.

So, I banned him from my network.

He was upset.

"Mr. Nadir, why you banned me from your Innernet?"

"What?"

"That's fucked up."

"Watch your language."

"You watch your language! I heard your music. Talkin' 'bout pissin' on people and stuff."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do. I heard it. You said 'damn' and 'pussy' and 'shit' and 'fuck' and a bunch of other more stuff. You nasty, Mr. Nadir."

"See, that's why I banned your young ass. You can't handle it."

"It's okay. You ain't no 50 Cent."


It wasn't long before he discovered 50's network. Of which I am a member.

"Mr. Nadir, I seent you on thisis50.com."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I sent you an e-mail for your friendship, but you declineded it."

"Read your book."

"But 50 won't ban me from his Innernet like you did."


It's more sad than anything else, I suppose. Puts things in perspective certainly. One thing that's never introduced to the conversation about explicit content in music, is the fact that kids like this can gain access so easily.

Still, I'm not about to censor myself. That would be fake. But, at the same time, it's not something I take lightly.

What to do, o, what to do?

But if it's worth anything, I appreciate you all's friendship. And, for the record, I would never banned you from my Innernet.


Thanks for reading.

GOBAMA!

"Freestyle of the Week" FREE DOWNLOAD LINK
"No Fear" Maxi Single FREE DOWNLOAD LINK

SUNDAY JUNE 8 - Dirty Water live at The Black Cat (Washington, DC)
SATURDAY JULY 26 - Cool Cee Brown live at The Capital Hip Hop Soul Fest (Washington, DC)

Factoid: A few years ago, when I was teaching middle school, Joe and I released a sexually-charged concept EP called "Love, Lust & Everything In Between". A few of my students got their hands on it, and it was downhill from there. I think I used the word "pussy" over 50 times.

If Your Girl Only Knew

Okay:

So, once when I was in college, I ended up at a dinner party with three people I had slept with. I didn't even realize it until my homeboy leaned over to me and whispered, "Claude, you are the man."

"Why's that?" I whispered.

"I just realized, you [slept with] all three of these [women]."

"I guess I did," I laughed.

For a second there, I imagined what might happen if they decided to get real.

"So, Girl #2, what was it like fucking, Claude?"

"Well, Girl #1. We only did it once. We were both really drunk and he could barely get it up. I didn't come but I enjoyed myself. What about you, Girl #3?"

"We were really drunk too, but I came, like, three times, Girl #2. He was great!"

"Did he go down on you, Girl #3?"

"Of course! For, like, 20 minutes, Girl #2"

"Well, how come he didn't go down on me, Girl #1?"

"I don't know. He went down on me too, Girl #2"

"Did you come too, Girl #1?"

"All over the place, Girl #2 He's really sweet, too. Wipes me down with a warm towel afterwards."

"I didn't get the warm towel treatment."

"Me neither."

"He must really like you, Girl #1"

"I can't tell. He fucked both of you."

"Oh. You're fucking him, like, in the present tense."

"Present progressive."

"I knew that."

"Well, I didn't."

"Doesn't really matter. We don't have, like, an arrangement or anything."

"Well, why don't we have a big orgy with him for his birthday?"

"Yeah, we could smother his junk with icing and lick him clean."

"Yeah, then we could wipe him down with a warm towel afterwards."


Well, maybe that last part was just wishful thinking. But you get the gist.

You understand, though, that the flip side of having had such a colorful, sexual history is that it makes it difficult to trust women. Fellas, how often do you think you've been in the same room with your lady and a guy(s) she slept with?

The answer?

More times than you think.

Thing is, guys typically, are far more respectful in these scenarios than women would be. I guess, in the end, you know as a guy you could end up getting your ass kicked for trying to be cute about it.

The reason men get caught in such situations so frequently is not that they are so dumb, but that women are so damned catty. If you found yourself in such a situation, only the coolest of the coolest chicks could maintain her composure. The average woman would not be able to resist the temptation to make it painfully obvious to your new significant other that she's had a taste of you.

They don't have the same fear of public embarrassment via ass whooping.

She may laugh extra hard at your jokes, or hold your hand a little too long, or touch your shoulder. Things that seem innocent enough to us because our brains don't operate that way. But she might as well describe your dick down to the texture of your pubes as far as your new girlfriend is concerned.

Then you'll be in the car on the way home. She'll be giving you the silent treatment.

"What's wrong, honey?"

"You know exactly what's wrong."

"Honestly, I don't have a clue."

"You fucked her. Didn't you?"

And you'll be thinking, Jesus, did they talk about it in the bathroom?

"Who?"

"You know exactly who I'm talking about. Don't play dumb."

"Oh, her. No, honey, we're just friends."

"Not even once?"

"Never."

"Mm hmm."

More silence.

"Did you give her the warm towel treatment?"



Thanks for reading.

GOBAMA!

"Freestyle of the Week" FREE DOWNLOAD LINK
"No Fear" Maxi Single FREE DOWNLOAD LINK

SUNDAY JUNE 8 - Dirty Water live at The Black Cat (Washington, DC)
SATURDAY JULY 26 - Cool Cee Brown live at The Capital Hip Hop Soul Fest (Washington, DC)

Innocent Question: Be honest, ladies. How many times have you found yourself in the same room with two or more guys you have slept with? Was it uncomfortable? Did everyone know?