A Lame Apology, Details on an Upcoming Gig and Random Ramblings About Love and Boo Boo

Okay:

So it's been weeks and I distinctly remember telling you all that I would do my best to write weekly. I have failed you, and for this, I am truly sorry. But if you're over it, then I'm over it, and we can move on.

There. We've had our moment.

In business news, I have an upcoming gig (Thursday December 18) at the legendary Bohemian Caverns where jazz greats like Miles Davis and Ornette Coleman once rocked the house. I'll be backed by none other than Sound of the City with some help from Bilal Salaam. It promises to be a pleasant affair. You should put on some soft bottom shoes and bring a friend.



$5 cover. Doors open at 8. 21 & over. I'll be hitting the stage around 9:30ish.

In personal news, I am still happily involved and things couldn't be better. I was reading over some of my past blogs recently and marveling at how deeply jaded I was about the whole relationship thing. I must have been really going through something. I remember friends of mine commenting, "Once you meet the right girl, all of that will change. She'll have your nose wide open."

And I distinctly remember being like, "Go fuck yourself."

And I remember them smiling and being like, "I can't wait to see your pussy whooped ass eat your words."

And I remember thinking that was an especially cruel comment.

Well.

I wouldn't go as far as to call myself pussy whooped. I'm still the same cat basically. But I do have a new and more positive perspective on things. And I've lost most of the compulsion to seek and conquer pussy for numbers' sake. That's not to say I've gone blind. I still see and appreciate other ass. But it's different now.

A metaphor:

When I was a teenager and didn't have a car, I was envious of anyone with a car. Whether it be a Mercedes or a Sentra. All I knew was I was walking and it sucked. Now, I have a car that runs well and is relatively new. I see other cars. Some are nicer than mine. Some are newer than mine. But they're not mine. I know my car. And I've made a lot of payments and I'm not about to walk away from the investment, and it runs well. I like my car. And seeing other cars doesn't make me envious or make me want to take my checkbook down to the dealership for a trade in. I'm good.

I go, "Oooh. Nice car." And then I keep driving.

The other day I took a shit while she was in my apartment. I think that's a big step, man. Women always seem to be looking for tokens of commitment like presents, or keys to the apartment, or promise rings or whatever. But a gesture like shitting while you're sitting in the next room speaks volumes as far as I'm concerned.

My faithful readers know how I am about the sacred act. I believe it is a private time to reflect and be alone with yourself. If I'm comfortable enough around you to take a shit, that means we've got something real.

Of course, she's yet to bless my commode with her fecal matter, but she's a girl. All things in due time.

I mean really though. How well can you say you know someone if you don't know what their shit smells like? I mean, really.

When you're taking a deuce, you're in your most vulnerable, most human state. It is the common thread that connects us all. I don't care who you are. A dignitary, a ballerina or a fucking nun. Once a day, you have to squat and drop a few stones. And if you're eating well, it's not gonna smell like strawberries.

Apparently it should float, have a good strong brown coloring and a firm consistency.

Fucking Barack Obama shits.

And so does Halle Berry. And so does the Pope.


Well, I suppose that's enough for now. I hope to see you all at the show. Tell a friend.


Thanks for reading.

Election Night, Post-Victory Questions, 'Tata Salad and Updates On My Love Life

Okay:

"Well, what do you know? Barack Hussein Obama. The nigga pulled it off." So said my father when he called me a little after midnight on Wednesday morning.

"Poor Jesse," he continued. "Nigga can't catch a break."

Of course, he was referring to Jesse "The Castrator" Jackson, who was weeping genuine-ish tears amidst a sea of miscellaneous white faces in Chicago during Barack's sober victory speech. Oprah, who was surprisingly well-composed, wasn't giving up nearly as dramatic a performance, even though she has a penchant for such displays. By far, the most disturbing image of the night.


But I digress. President-Elect Obama won the election by what the pundits are calling a "decisive margin". I haven't heard the word "landslide" used. And it makes me wonder what exactly constitutes a landslide. Because in my admittedly under informed eyes, it looks like McCain got his ass whooped.



I'm not trying to rub it in. I'm just saying.

Of course, being a single parent and all, I didn't get to go out to an election party or anything. It was a school night. She was tucked away in her bed, and I was struggling to stay awake in my computer chair. And, as you may have already ascertained, I was surfing for porn while watching the results. First Kentucky for McCain. Then Vermont for Obama. Then I found a great Lacey Duvalle scene, post butt-implants.

Pretty typical night.

I imagine Barack got laid that night. Michelle looks like she would consider it a forgone conclusion. There would be no coaxing necessary. And she, as we all know, has no need for implants.

Her dress was horrendous. I think they dress her poorly on purpose to distract from all that ass.

I should stop. I'm talking about the next First Lady or the First Lady-Elect or whatever. If I was President, my wife would be The First Main Bitch.


Well, I've been pulling and rooting for my man Barack for the past 2 years, and now my job is done. All I can think is, He better not fuck up. I wonder what his first taste of scandal or crisis will look like. Will he misspeak at a press conference? Will he botch a military operation? Will they find his outside kids?

Where is Hillary?



So, while I was watching the results and downloading porn I came to the slow realization that Obama was winning. Then, around 11:00pm, MSNBC declared Barack Obama the projected winner. Immediately, my phone began buzzing with text messages.

"We did it."

"Go Obama."

"Cherish this day."

"History has been made."

"Breakout the fried chicken, watermelon, hot sauce and tata salad. He won!"

And, "Make sure you have plenty of water cuz there are gonna be a lot of salty crackers at work tomorrow."

Then, as many of you already know, I heard something I hoped I wouldn't hear.

You guessed it.

Gunshots.

But you know what? If I was drunk and had a gun, I'd have probably bust off a few rounds myself. So they get a pass for the night.


Did you know Sarah Palin gets to go back to being governor of Alaska? If I were an Alaskan I wouldn't want her sorry ass anymore. You take 3 months off from work to interview for another job, and when you don't get it you just come back to the office like nothing happened. Who was running the state while she was off campaigning and buying $150,000 worth of St. John business suits? The First Dude?

John McCain also gets to go back to being the senior Arizona senator. I predict he'll be dead before 2012. Not trying to be morbid or anything. I'm just saying.

To be fair, if they had lost, Obama and Biden, who were up for reelection actually, could have gone back to their senate seats. They both won their races by a "decisive margin".

And speaking of Alaska being stupid, did you know that as of now, convicted felon Senator Ted Stevens is projected to win his seat?



There is a reason George Washington and the forefathers put Alaska way the fuck up there in Canada. Them motherfuckers is crazy.



On a personal note, I am dating someone. I've mentioned her a few times in previous blogs. She was referred to simply as "My Crush". Anyway, things are pretty serious and I couldn't be happier.

There are no other women.

We go out every weekend. We talk on the phone for hours. We text each other while we're at work. This weekend I fed her chocolate covered strawberries and oranges while we watched a Sanaa Lathan movie.

For the record, I hate Sanaa Lathan movies. And I hate chocolate.

This weekend, she's taking me to church.

It's all painfully gay, but I'm really enjoying it.

Really enjoying it.


I just hope she doesn't turn out to be some sort of piss freak or try to stick her finger up my ass or something. That would suck...majorly.

And here is the "Government Game" video again because it seems so appropriate now.

Enjoy...

Thanks for reading.

GOBAMA!!!